


Take More of Me

by crazyjane



Series: Shinbyeong [2]
Category: VIXX
Genre: Fluff, Heavy Angst, Inspired by Music, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Musicians, Polyamory, Smut, Synesthesia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-10-18
Packaged: 2019-07-18 06:32:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16112804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyjane/pseuds/crazyjane
Summary: Starlight loved it. The teasing, the crowding up behind the others when they did one of their backstage videos. Mock glares promising punishment that never came except as little slaps that had no real power behind them. Arm hooked over the shoulder and ducked away from, fingers ruffling hair that were swatted away. Extravagant compliments and declarations that drew blushes and shoving. And, away from the cameras, always the one who kept them on track, who listened to their complaints and self-doubts, held them together through the incredible stress. No room to indulge his own wishes and weaknesses. An island of self-containment.Hakyeon told himself he wasn’t lonely.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [expoduck](https://archiveofourown.org/users/expoduck/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Fantasy](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15979910) by [crazyjane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyjane/pseuds/crazyjane). 



> _Take More of Me_ is a parallel story to _Fantasy_. Some events take place in both stories, from different points of view.
> 
>  
> 
> Translations of lyrics are not mine; I am indebted to https://colorcodedlyrics.com/
> 
>  
> 
> As always, oceans of love, etc., to my beta, expoduck.
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for reading!

Starlight loved it. The teasing, the crowding up behind the others when they did one of their backstage videos. Mock glares promising punishment that never came except as little slaps that had no real power behind them. Arm hooked over the shoulder and ducked away from, fingers ruffling hair that were swatted away. Extravagant compliments and declarations that drew blushes and shoving. And, away from the cameras, always the one who kept them on track, who listened to their complaints and self-doubts, held them together through the incredible stress. No room to indulge his own wishes and weaknesses. An island of self-containment.

Hakyeon told himself he wasn’t lonely.

He was the leader. Of course a distance had to be maintained. For all their complaints, he knew his bandmates respected him, and it held them back, to an extent. They might make comments about him being old, being ‘mother’, but there was rarely any malice in it. At the same time, they were less likely to lay hands on him for more than the smallest, joking contact unless they were performing. Hakyeon could never tell if it was simple restraint, or something about himself. All he knew was that every time someone pushed him away, or even gave him only a quick hug, it was too brief. And he hated it.

Dance was his refuge. Whether it was strict group choreography or the solo pieces he developed himself wasn’t important. What mattered was the music lifting and carrying him, his heartbeat in his ears, the burn and stretch of his muscles, his senses heightened and extended to encompass everything and everyone around him. That feeling of almost-flight. Almost connection. It didn’t make up for everything else. But for a while, he could forget. And that was the important thing, because he needed to be able to watch over the others.

Hakyeon was proud that the group had transcended the usual idol image, to the point where they were usually referred to now as ‘concept idols’. They were never afraid to explore an idea to its fullest, tending towards the darker side of human nature. In this they were completely supported by management, who gave them almost free rein to bring taboo themes into their work. Even when they were forced to re-shoot a ‘clean’ version of their video for  _ Voodoo Doll _ , the notoriety gained just through doing that boosted their popularity immensely. Playing with such concepts, though, could backfire. 

He remembered talking with Sanghyuk on the set of  _ Eternity _ . The maknae, still finding his feet but slowly growing in confidence and talent, had simply broken down after filming his reaction to the disappearance of his love. Furiously wiping away his tears with the backs of his hands, Sanghyuk had berated himself for being upset. Hakyeon said very little beyond, ‘You are too hard on yourself. This is a difficult thing to feel’. Whether it was the right thing, Hakyeon didn’t know, but Sanghyuk had seemed to take comfort from his leader’s arm around his shoulders.

Jaehwan, always high energy, tended to become nervous and silly, sometimes to the point where he needed to take himself away from a situation to calm down. He always returned more focused, but Hakyeon suspected he pushed himself to such extremes to counteract the darker emotions stirred in him. His complete opposite was Wonsik, who seemed the most self-contained. Whatever he felt, he kept inside, even when it was clear from the tension in his shoulders and back that he was wrestling with some inner demon. Hakyeon wanted to help, but had no choice but to respect Wonsik’s need for privacy. 

He’d been taken aback by the way Hongbin attacked each concept as though it were a personal challenge. It had shown most clearly during filming for  _ Voodoo Doll _ . Lunatic and intense even in the dance sequences, Hongbin developed a habit of staring at everyone through those unsettling contact lenses, head cocked to one side with a truly disturbing smile. It unnerved the staff to an almost superstitious degree. For days afterwards, Hongbin kept that manic edge. Then he’d slept for a full twelve hours, waking drained, but calmer.

Of them all, Hakyeon worried most about Taekwoon, who seemed to disappear completely into each new role. Sometimes it was a struggle, never more so than when they’d worked on  _ Hyde _ . The vocalist had been restless, unable to settle as he was made up into his darkest self. Once the transformation was complete, though, he’d seemed to grow even taller, embodying power and violence to an unsettling extent. It was the same with other concepts, deeply felt and somehow never quite shaken off. Talking about it was impossible; every time Hakyeon tried, he was met with a wall of silence.

It never seemed to touch Hakyeon deeply. It was easy enough to fall into the concept and bring that out, but it flowed through him, leaving little of itself behind. Hakyeon was glad of that, because so many of his responses seemed to focus on fear. A residual ache after  _ My Answer is You _ , wandering the streets. A frisson during  _ Chained Up _ whenever he had to enter his room with its broken glass and mirrors strewn in his path. The worst was the terror he’d felt after falling asleep in the make-up chair while being turned into a curse doll, waking suddenly to see his arms cut and scarred. It had looked so real that his disoriented mind couldn’t understand why it didn’t hurt. Why he felt nothing from his skin. He remembered how he’d almost screamed, bringing the stylists running. They quickly reassured him, but he’d been unable to look at the make-up without skin-crawling revulsion. That awful dislocation between sight and feeling had unnerved him for days. 

Working on  _ Zelos _ , the first of the  _ Conception _ album trilogy, was an unexpected bright period for all of them. Though themed around rivalry and jealousy, the music was almost relentlessly cheerful. Jaehwan’s habit of making up new, absurd lyrics to the songs proved to be something that kept spirits high right through the most grinding days and hectic promotional schedule. Hakyeon found it easy to catch the mood, throwing in his most teasing half-smile for cameras during the dance sequences, which were hardly difficult. He had a general sense that whether or not they were conscious of it, everyone was determined to enjoy themselves as much as possible before dealing with the darker themes in  _ Hades _ . Hakyeon knew that was certainly true of himself, given the way they’d developed the concept.

When Wonsik handed out the lyrics for the first single,  _ Fantasy, _ and cued up the guide, Hakyeon could see the nerves. In a way, it was to be expected; the composer was hard on himself, always worried that his contributions wouldn’t measure up. This time, though, Hakyeon thought he could see something else at work. Some new factor that had him so twitchy that he couldn’t stay in the room after he pressed playback. Hakyeon was about to speak to him, when the first notes sounded ( _ something classical _ ?), and everything else was driven right out of his mind.

Low. melancholy vocals, weaving a spell of isolation that built to an almost unbearable crescendo. Anguished and despairing, just kissed with a self-destructive wish. It pulled Hakyeon to a place he knew all too well. It was where he found himself in his dreams. A cold, echoing space where he was surrounded by people who moved just out of earshot, out of his reach. Where he was never sure if everyone else was a ghost, or if he was fading ( _ your existence is heaven and hell _ ). He closed his eyes against it.

The last, unresolved chord died away. Beside him, Hakyeon heard Jaehwan burst into excited chatter, but it was nothing he could process.  _ It has me _ , he thought, not knowing what he meant. Shaking his head to clear it of the music, he left the table and went to the bathroom where Wonsik had fled, tapped once.

Words were still difficult. Hakyeon strove to sound as matter-of-fact as possible, called, ‘You can come out, we’re finished.’ After a moment the door opened, and Wonsik looked up in shock over Hakyeon’s shoulder. Glancing back, the dancer saw the younger three gathered behind him, expressions forbidding. 

‘Did - did you not - ah -’ Wonsik stammered. They only frowned at him - and then Jaehwan’s mouth twitched, and he burst out laughing..

‘Your face! You’re such an idiot, Shiki!’ He reached past Hakyeon to poke Wonsik firmly in the chest. Behind him, Sanghyuk and Hongbin also broke into laughter, though there was something off about it to Hakyeon’s ears. He still didn’t quite trust his perceptions, though.

‘That’s enough,’ he said firmly, sending the others off with a push. ‘You’ve had your fun. I’m sorry, Wonsik-ah, I didn’t know you were so worried. Don’t be. They love it.’ And winced when Jaehwan shouted.

‘Yes, we do! It’s all dark and delicious!’ 

Hakyeon hesitated, deliberating whether to ask. Finally, he lowered his voice, and said, ‘This isn’t quite what I expected. Did the theme get away from you?’ The composer flushed, stammered out an explanation.

‘No, I - I was playing around with the idea that dreams are, are desires, and Hades is god of the underworld, of dark things ... ‘ 

_ Secret things _ , thought Hakyeon. Put the thought aside, all too easily. 

‘I understand. Now come out of there.’ As Wonsik passed him, he couldn’t stop himself from adding, ‘I think this is some of your best work.’ 

As he came back to the common area, Hakyeon heard Sanghyuk, singing his part in the central motif. Right on his heels, Hongbin joined in. The sound stopped Hakyeon in his tracks. It was tentative, unsupported, just testing the waters. It pulled him towards them, and he was moving without even thinking. He sat between them at the table.

There was a pause, then Hongbin dropped his volume to a near whisper, began again. ‘Someone help.’ Sanghyuk came in immediately. ‘I know that it’s over’. This time they continued, trading off lines. ‘Someone help.’ ‘The end of you was me.’ Hakyeon, suddenly languid, but feeling adrenalin course through him, sang, ‘My fantasy will swallow everything, it’ll change everything’. And faltered as a sense of connection spread between them, unlike anything he’d experienced before. It was only a small snatch of song, and it wasn’t the words, it was the feeling ( _ not real _ ) that somehow, the distance had closed. Just a little.

He was so shaken he didn’t really hear what was being said around him, only realised that Wonsik had left when Sanghyuk’s voice stopped in mid-sentence. 

‘Hakyeon-hyung,’ said Hongbin quietly, ‘are you all right?’ The question, which even Hakyeon could barely hear, seemed to catch Sanghyuk’s attention, and he turned to face them. 

‘A little … surprised by the song, is all.’ The tone was right; light, not quite matter-of-fact. Hakyeon could do nothing about the huskiness that shaded its edges, but carried on regardless. ‘What happened to Wonsik-ah?’

‘He asked what Leo-hyung thought of the song, and I said he’d gone straight to his room. Then Wonsik-hyung just took off,’ shrugged Sanghyuk. 

‘I’ll go ask,’ offered Jaehwan, and, not waiting for permission, headed towards the bedrooms. Hakyeon sat very still, feeling the last traces of that connection fray. Unexpectedly, Sanghyuk scooted his chair a little closer. He opened his mouth, but at that moment Jaehwan’s squeal of delight cut straight through the air. Hongbin flinched. Sighing, Hakyeon pushed his chair back and prepared to deal with whatever trouble was about to land in his lap.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _By the time they returned home, they were all exhausted. Jaehwan, Wonsik and Taekwoon disappeared into their rooms immediately, while Hongbin and Sanghyuk headed for the couch. Hakyeon, cold, watched them sprawl. There was a space between them, and it called to him._ Not real _, he told himself, but he was freezing from the inside out, and his feet were carrying him towards them before he even realised he was moving._
> 
>  
> 
> _They both had their eyes closed; Hakyeon wasn’t sure they even registered his presence. He started to turn away (fading _). Was stopped by Hongbin’s sleepy voice. ‘Hakyeon?’ Just his name, no more than that. Then an incoherent sound from Sanghyuk, and Hakyeon felt something cracking in his chest. Before he could stop himself, he climbed into Hongbin’s lap, swinging his legs so they lay across Sanghyuk’s thighs. And held himself still, not even daring to take a breath._ Why them? Why now?_

It was a measure of how complex  _ Hades _ was that rehearsals and shooting for the concept film, music video, and an accompanying drama started almost simultaneously with recording. The group shuttled from location to studio, make-up to photoshoot. The long hours tired everyone, but to Hakyeon’s eye, something other than simple weariness seemed to be at work. They worked with an intensity that drew praise from staff, but there was a strange gentleness in the way they interacted with each other, and the outside world. Even the irrepressible Jaehwan became quieter, even a little dreamy.

Hakyeon’s feelings were mixed. Everything about  _ Hades _ had a kind of dark beauty, which he loved. It made him hyper-aware, scrambled his perceptions. He’d always been inclined to tangle up his sensory impressions in each other; now, it felt as though that part of him was fully awake. At the same time, his own role - the lover denied, lost and searching in a world of the dead - crept under his skin. It was too close to real. That first night rehearsing for the parts of the video set in the forest, he felt far colder than he should have for that time of year. He walked through an area of odd low lighting, smoke mixing with ground mist, aware as never before of his isolation. By the time he moved on to the second location, a single chair amid a scattering of other, floating chairs, his hands felt like ice.

The direction called for him to sit in the chair, while Hongbin and Sanghyuk approached from opposite sides and sang to him. It was the same part they’d spontaneously tried together the first time they’d heard the guide. They paced through the blocking, and Hakyeon had a momentary sense of that initial thread of connection. Just his imagination, but there was something in their eyes as they regarded him that suggested they felt like something, too.  _ Just my fantasy _ , he chided himself. 

‘Hongbin, Hyuk, you are like the angel and the devil on N’s shoulders,’ called the director. ‘Speak directly to him.’ Sanghyuk crouched down by Hakyeon’s side and grinned.

‘Guess which is which,’ he said. He rested his arm on the back of the chair, gave Hakyeon a surreptitious poke to the back of the neck, and whispered, ‘It’s important to stay focused. So you’d better not imagine the director in a dress, because it will definitely show on your face.’ Hakyeon smothered a laugh, tried to stare straight ahead. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Hongbin quickly suppress a smile. ‘Maybe you should just imagine drinking banana milk instead - only not with the director, because he might spill it on his skirt.’ Hakyeon couldn’t help himself. He laughed - then apologised quickly. As they reset the scene, he swatted at the maknae, missing him completely.

‘I don’t need to guess what  _ you _ are,’ Hakyeon said. ‘Neither. You’re a monster.’ Sanghyuk only gave him another grin, this one particularly self-satisfied. 

‘Then what am I?’ asked Hongbin from where he stood over them. Hakyeon looked up into his face; his expression was serious, eyes intense. On his other side, Sanghyuk went still. The dancer’s sense of something weaving between them all was back, still faint but seeming a little stronger every time. He reached for a joking answer, found none. Fell back on honesty.

‘I don’t know, yet,’ said Hakyeon.  _ What is happening _ ?

The cold returned as soon as he stepped onto the location the next night. He moved through the smoke with an eerie sure-footedness, never looking down but somehow never stumbling. He could feel Jaehwan’s presence behind him, watching, and a peculiar absence that had Taekwoon’s shape but no real substance. They were so far away. Every step that carried him deeper into the smoke only wrapped more layers of separation around him. When he finally realised the director was calling a break, he started to shiver, and couldn’t stop.

Thick material settled around his shoulders, held in place by a heavy arm. Sanghyuk, standing close. Then Hakyeon felt warm hands around his, closing them around a thermos cup full of tea, coaxing him to take a sip. His teeth chattered on the rim for a moment. As the hot liquid touched his lips, he looked up at Hongbin, leaned against Sanghyuk. There it was again, that faint sense of connection; only there for a moment, but it was enough to let Hakyeon make it through the rest of the night’s schedule. 

By the time they returned home, they were all exhausted. Jaehwan, Wonsik and Taekwoon disappeared into their rooms immediately, while Hongbin and Sanghyuk headed for the couch. Hakyeon, cold, watched them sprawl. There was a space between them, and it called to him.  _ Not real _ , he told himself, but he was freezing from the inside out, and his feet were carrying him towards them before he even realised he was moving. 

They both had their eyes closed; Hakyeon wasn’t sure they even registered his presence. He started to turn away ( _ fading _ ). Was stopped by Hongbin’s sleepy voice. ‘Hakyeon?’ Just his name, no more than that. Then an incoherent sound from Sanghyuk, and Hakyeon felt something cracking in his chest. Before he could stop himself, he climbed into Hongbin’s lap, swinging his legs so they lay across Sanghyuk’s thighs. And held himself still, not even daring to take a breath.  _ Why them? Why now? _

For a moment there was no response from the two men. Heart sinking, Hakyeon shifted, started to get up. Sanghyuk’s hands grasped his feet, held them in place. Then Hongbin’s arms came up around him, and Hakyeon turned instinctively into the embrace. It wasn’t enough, but it was warm, and welcoming. He didn’t want to let himself believe it was anything more, no matter what he’d felt between them. Sanghyuk slid close and leaned against Hongbin, drawing Hakyeon’s legs up so that he was curled over both of them. Eyes tightly shut, Hakyeon slid one arm around Hongbin’s waist, groped in the air with the other until he felt Sanghyuk take his hand and pull it against his chest.

It was an awkward stretch, and Hakyeon steeled himself for the moment when it would be too uncomfortable for the other two. Instead, he felt Hongbin slowly relax, changing position just enough to allow Sanghyuk even closer. The maknae pulled his own legs up on to the couch and laid his head against Hongbin’s shoulder, inches from Hakyeon’s face, still clasping his hand. So close they could feel each other’s breaths, the three drifted, slid towards sleep. 

Hakyeon stirred, finally. The last thing he wanted was to move, but the thought of them waking only to pull away was too much to bear. He needed to be the one to break it. ‘We should sleep,’ he murmured. Sanghyuk shook his head, burrowed closer. 

Hongbin’s breath ghosted across Hakyeon’s hair: ‘Do we have to move?’ Hakyeon, disbelieving, stared. Whenever he’d played around before, Hongbin was usually the first to shrug off Hakyeon’s arm, or appear irritated. It was rare that he’d return a hug for more than a second. And Sanghyuk was likely to duck and immediately launch a counter attack that was by no means affectionate.  _ It’s because they’re tired _ , Hakyeon told himself.  _ That’s all _ . He untangled himself and stumbled to his feet with none of his usual grace. Not able to speak, he got out of there and shut himself into his room, leaned against the door.  _ I’m a fool _ , he thought bitterly. With heavy steps he crossed the room, pausing only to undress and reach for an oversize t-shirt. He slid between the covers and pulled his knees up to his chest. 

His bed was cold. The only thing in the entire night that was familiar - not an old friend, but the ache of an injury that refused to heal. Hakyeon lay awake, trying to cling to the feeling of warm arms around him, a heart beating by his ear, a breath on his face. Treasure it, because he knew it would be gone with the morning.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Sanghyuk reached out and took Hakyeon’s hand. Hongbin followed suit, then, as effortlessly as a long-rehearsed dance move, they drew Hakyeon into an embrace so quickly he nearly fell. Trapped between them, unable to move his hands, he could only lean against them, let himself be swallowed up. ‘Come with us,’ murmured Sanghyuk. He pushed them ahead of him, down the hall towards his room at the end of the corridor. Hakyeon let himself be herded, though part of him wanted to break away and hide. Because this couldn’t possibly be happening; at any moment they would slip from his grasp and he’d wake alone._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very short chapter, sorry. It was just the right point to break it.
> 
> Next chapter will be up very soon, to make up for it. :)
> 
>  
> 
> As always, thank you for reading, and feedback is love!

Back in the studio for final recording, Hakyeon felt as though he’d gained some control over himself. The sheer technical process of refining vocal lines and cleaning up missed cues kept him from falling too far into the cold. It was never completely gone, though. More than once Hakyeon, reaching for some water or rolling his shoulders to loosen fatigued neck muscles, felt a chill steal through him. He tried to give nothing away, and was mostly successful. Only Sanghyuk and Hongbin seemed to notice. They crowded close to him under the pretext of going over sections they said they found difficult, but there was never any real problem. At first startled, Hakyeon came to anticipate Hongbin’s upper arm pushed against his, and the maknae’s weight resting on his shoulders. 

In the evenings, Hakyeon usually found himself gravitating towards the two. Having declared, by virtue of simple occupation, that the couch was now their domain, they kept the others at bay. Hakyeon was the exception; if he approached, they’d automatically make room for him to join them. Sanghyuk was usually the one who tugged on Hakyeon’s hand, using his strength to arrange the dancer between them. They traded off who would hold him. Hongbin was warmer, somehow more welcoming (and Hakyeon still didn’t understand how that had happened), but Sanghyuk, for all his youth, was an unexpected source of strength and safety. 

When others were around, they simply sprawled. The first time Hakyeon noticed Jaehwan’s wistful look towards them, he felt a pang of guilt. The younger man’s gaze simply slid past them, however, as he rested his head on his arms and closed his eyes. His expression became soft, as though sleeping, although Hakyeon was sure he was awake. A small smile curved Jaehwan’s lips. He looked peaceful, as though lost in a pleasant waking dream.

Alone, they shifted to cuddle closer, touched each other more deliberately. Hongbin seemed happiest when he was virtually smothered. Sanghyuk liked to clasp hands, sometimes guiding Hakyeon so that Hongbin’s fingers were laced through both of theirs. And Hakyeon slowly allowed himself to relax enough to cup the back of Hongbin’s neck, or stroke Sanghyuk’s hair. It was wonderful; it was something Hakyeon had never dared to wish. It still wasn’t enough, but he told himself he could be happy with what he had.

And he was still the first to pull away, announce that they needed to get proper sleep. There was always at least a token protest, but Hakyeon learned that if he walked away quickly enough he could make it to his own room before the cold came creeping back. He tried to convince himself it was the right thing to do, but he knew in his heart it was nothing more than cowardice. In spite of everything, he still feared the moment when the other two would turn from him. 

After a particularly long evening spent mostly in silence, Hakyeon thought that time had come. He swung his legs down from over Hongbin and stood, turned to bid them goodnight. They were both looking directly at him, no trace of sleepiness in their faces. Hakyeon felt the edges of cold seeping around him. They exchanged an unreadable look, then both stood. Involuntarily, Hakyeon took a step backward.  _ This was coming, it was always coming _ , he thought, trying to brace himself. He had no idea what he could possibly say.

Sanghyuk reached out and took Hakyeon’s hand. Hongbin followed suit, then, as effortlessly as a long-rehearsed dance move, they drew Hakyeon into an embrace so quickly he nearly fell. Trapped between them, unable to move his hands, he could only lean against them, let himself be swallowed up. ‘Come with us,’ murmured Sanghyuk. He pushed them ahead of him, down the hall towards his room at the end of the corridor. Hakyeon let himself be herded, though part of him wanted to break away and hide. Because this couldn’t possibly be happening; at any moment they would slip from his grasp and he’d wake alone. 

There was a clatter, followed by a hiss of pain, as Hongbin’s foot connected with something on the floor, hidden under a pile of clothing. Behind them, Sanghyuk offered an entirely unconvincing apology. Hakyeon’s mouth twitched. Everything was becoming more real by the second. Even so, a thrill of fear ran through him as Sanghyuk took his arm, tugged him towards the bed and gently pushed on his shoulders to make him sit. ‘Go on,’ he said, and Hakyeon, wide-eyed, lay down on his side. Without hesitation, the maknae slipped in beside him and grinned. ‘Room for one more,’ he said. Hongbin walked slowly around to the other side of the bed. Looking over his shoulder, Hakyeon saw the indecision in his face. Then the ghost of a mad smile flitted across his face, and he joined them, lying against Hakyeon’s back. 

There was no room at all. Hakyeon, in the centre, wondered how the other two could even be comfortable. Still half-disbelieving, he said softly, ‘You have no room to move’.

Hongbin slid his arm around Hakyeon’s waist, shifted even closer. ‘I don’t care,’ he said roughly. 

Sanghyuk just laughed and laid his own arm over Hakyeon, fingers grazing against Hongbin. ‘Shut up and sleep,’ he said.

The idea seemed ridiculous to Hakyeon, but after some confusion about exactly how to keep from elbowing each other, they fell quiet. There was just enough light for Hakyeon, facing Sanghyuk, to see the moment when the maknae’s face softened with drowsiness. Then Hongbin’s arm became heavier, and Hakyeon, finally, closed his own eyes and let himself sink into the warmth. 

It was nearly dawn when Hakyeon was woken by Sanghyuk trying to massage feeling back into a numb arm. Without thinking, he reached out and worked his own fingers into the muscles. The movement woke Hongbin, who tried to stretch, winced, and nearly toppled out of bed. He grabbed for Hakyeon, sighing with weariness. 

Despite the stiff muscles and pins and needles, Hakyeon would have done anything to be able to stay. If the others decided in a few hours to wake them up, however, there were simply no explanations that wouldn’t lead to further, closer questioning. ‘We have to leave,’ he said reluctantly. Hongbin climbed out of bed, narrowly avoiding ending up on the floor, and Hakyeon disentangled himself and followed suit. Sanghyuk gave them both a sleepy, smug smile, burrowing into the warmth they’d left behind. 

‘This is nice,’ he said.

Hongbin cocked his head to one side, pointed at the lump in the blankets. ‘Tomorrow night, monster - my room.’

Before he could help himself, Hakyeon blurted, ‘Tomorrow?’

Hongbin gave him an uncertain look. ‘If - ‘ he swallowed. ‘If you want to.’

‘Every night, if you want to,’ said Sanghyuk in a muffled voice.

Hakyeon had no words. He just nodded dumbly, realised he couldn’t be seen, took a deep breath. ‘Yes,’ he whispered. 

A satisfied noise came from the bed. ‘Good. Now go away and let me sleep.’

Hakyeon smiled. ‘Goodnight, monster.’

As they left the room, Hakyeon leaned against Hongbin, trying to put off the moment when he had to be alone for as long as he could. At his door, Hongbin put his arms around Hakyeon, hugged him quickly. ‘We’ll see you soon.’ Without looking back at Hakyeon, he went into his room and closed the door softly. Alone in the hall, Hakyeon stood looking at the two rooms. He could sense them, still. Smiling in the dark, he went to his own bed, and didn’t feel cold at all. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When he received word that he was required to return for additional filming - reaction shots, close-ups, the usual last-minute details that always seemed to crop up - Hakyeon felt a chill for the first time in days. That night he buried himself between Hongbin and Sanghyuk, trying to soak up every trace of warmth he could. ‘Hey,’ said Sanghyuk. ‘What’s wrong?’ Hakyeon had no way of explaining, just gripped the maknae’s shoulder tightly.
> 
> Spooned up behind him as he so often was, Hongbin pushed his face into Hakyeon’s hair, and fleetingly, the dancer thought he felt lips press against his scalp. ‘Do you want us with you?’ he asked. Hakyeon, overwhelmed with relief, reached back and pulled him even closer.
> 
> ... Hakyeon lay awake, listening to them breathe, memorising every sound, every slight shift of their bodies against him. Feeling something swelling in his chest, something that he didn’t dare say, didn’t know how to keep in.

Hakyeon half-expected, when he woke alone, to find that for once, his dreams had been kind to him and nothing had really happened. It made him tentative with the other two. Sanghyuk, at least, was having none of that. He used his strength to push Hakyeon towards Hongbin, or to pull him down on the couch. The first time he manhandled Hakyeon into a three-way cuddle in front of the others, the dancer stiffened in shock, his eyes darting to where Jaehwan and Wonsik sat. The composer seemed preoccupied with his own thoughts, however, and Jaehwan (drowsy, as he always seemed to be lately) only sent a sleepy smile in his direction. ‘Relax,’ said Sanghyuk. ‘You’re all angles and elbows.’

True to their word, they took him to Hongbin’s room the next night. This time, they were all more awake, and there was some initial awkwardness before Hongbin moved to his bed and drew back the covers. Without looking back at them, he held out a hand, and Hakyeon moved to him and took it between his own. Still without meeting eyes, Hongbin drew Hakyeon in, sat him on the bed and laid him down. Sanghyuk was already moving, climbing in on the far side to lie behind him, arm over his waist. For a long moment Hongbin looked down at them, face tightly guarded. 

‘It’s your bed,’ said Sanghyuk. ‘Get in here.’ Hakyeon stifled laughter against the pillow. He laid his arm across the sheet, inviting.

‘Monster,’ said Hongbin, but there was only exasperated affection in his tone. He joined them, head on Hakyeon’s arm, hand on Sanghyuk’s, curved around the dancer’s hip. Hakyeon, warm, nestled closer to them. 

‘Hakyeon, you need to work out his name soon,’ murmured Sanghyuk, on the verge of sleep. ‘Or I’m just going to call him ‘Bean’ all the time, and he’ll hit me.’

Hakyeon pressed his forehead against Hongbin’s. ‘It will come to me,’ he promised.

After that, there was no more hesitation. Hakyeon, feeling more free than than he’d ever been, lavished attention on the two men, and draped himself over them whenever he had the opportunity. Sanghyuk had a way of instantly accommodating him that never failed to bring a smile to Hakyeon’s face. It took Hongbin longer to unbend; at times he still twitched when Hakyeon spoke quietly in his ear or unexpectedly patted him on the shoulder. Under Sanghyuk’s influence, though, he slowly relaxed; the maknae had a determination that Hongbin was completely unable to resist. And the first time Hakyeon saw him look at them both with open fondness sent his heart soaring.

When he received word that he was required to return for additional filming - reaction shots, close-ups, the usual last-minute details that always seemed to crop up - Hakyeon felt a chill for the first time in days. That night he buried himself between Hongbin and Sanghyuk, trying to soak up every trace of warmth he could. ‘Hey,’ said Sanghyuk. ‘What’s wrong?’ Hakyeon had no way of explaining, just gripped the maknae’s shoulder tightly.

Spooned up behind him as he so often was, Hongbin pushed his face into Hakyeon’s hair, and fleetingly, the dancer thought he felt lips press against his scalp. ‘Do you want us with you?’ he asked. Hakyeon, overwhelmed with relief, reached back and pulled him even closer. 

The next evening, Hakyeon tried to put off getting ready to leave for the set as long as possible. He barely ate or responded to conversation, preferring instead to curl up between Sanghyuk and Hongbin and let everything flow around him. It wasn’t until Wonsik returned from the studio and announced that the single was finished that Hakyeon felt able to join in. He poked Hongbin lightly in the ribs. ‘Make noodles for Wonsik,’ he said in a no-nonsense voice.

‘Don’t make me move, hyung,’ Hongbin pleaded. It sounded strange in his mouth. They’d dropped that among themselves, and it no longer felt like the correct way to address each other. It had to be different in public. That didn’t mean Hakyeon liked it.   
  
‘Spare me the drama,’ replied Wonsik. ‘Hongbin’s noodles always turn out soggy anyway. There’s probably something I can snack on in the fridge.’ Hakyeon saw Taekwoon approach, place his hands firmly on the composer’s shoulders and push him back down into the chair.

‘Sit still. I’ll make you food,’ he said. The offer was sufficiently unusual to make even Sanghyuk pay attention, but his request was firmly rebuffed. Even Jaehwan’s complaint failed to persuade Taekwoon to feed the rest of them. Looking over at Wonsik, Hakyeon saw his face had reddened, and he’d dropped his eyes. That didn’t stop Jaehwan from demanding to know how Wonsik had arranged for the special treatment, so that he could do the same. Taekwoon’s  _ ramyeon _ was a favourite amongst them all.   
  


Hakyeon watched as Wonsik was presented with a large bowl, raising his eyebrows when Taekwoon sat down at the table across from the composer. No words passed between them; Hakyeon saw the vocalist’s intense stare, while Wonsik seemed not to know where to look. To compound the strangeness, Taekwoon left the room as soon as Wonsik had eaten everything, leaving him bewildered. Hakyeon disentangled himself from Sanghyuk and Hongbin, over their protests, and went over to the kitchen.  
  
‘I’ll take care of this,’ Hakyeon said, taking the bowl and chopsticks from Wonsik’s hands. You are too tired, go to bed.’ To emphasise his words, Hakyeon gently swiped one finger over the dark smudges around Wonsik’s eyes. _Too far_ , he thought, but Wonsik only blinked at him.

‘The car’s here,’ said Jaehwan from the front door. Hakyeon stiffened, but made himself move as though there was nothing wrong. Hongbin and Sanghyuk fell into step behind him. Jaehwan muttered something about a fan club, was thoroughly ignored by the other two. As they went down in the lift, Hakyeon felt their hands resting lightly on his back.

Even knowing they were nearby, Hakyeon still couldn’t keep the shaking from his hands as he took his place. At the director’s cue, water poured down, a heavy rain that drenched him instantly. The music started, and the lover denied came rushing back into him as he shaped his lips around his lines. Sinking to his knees, he hung his head, felt the cold striking up from the ground as the last notes died away. He stayed motionless, water soaking him through, dripping from his hair into his eyes, as cameras moved in or out to gain as many angles as possible. Finally, the water shut off. There was a smattering of applause; he heard, as though from far off, the director call for someone to get a blanket. Shivering, he started to rise.

Sudden, bright pain bolted through both of his legs and sent him tumbling to the ground, gasping. Cramp. He was cramping,  _ breathe _ ,  _ you know what to do _ , but when he attempted to flex the muscles, it only grabbed harder. It felt like ice chips stabbing into him, every muscle down the sides of his legs and over the tops of both feet twisting, tearing off the bones. A tremor started in his calves, the seizure climbing. Hakyeon saw his feet bending at an unnatural angle, and screamed. Around him the staff exploded into action, calling his name, calling for the on-set doctor, running towards him. Hakyeon, doubled over, clutching at his thighs, couldn’t answer. The only sound he was capable of was agony.  

He jolted as someone crashed to the ground behind him, wrapped his arms around him.  _ Hongbin _ . Then Sanghyuk was beside him, reaching to cover Hakyeon’s tightly-fisted hands with his own. ‘We’ve got you,’ he said urgently. ‘We’re here’. Hongbin was simply repeating his name, harsh and frightened. Someone else grabbed his legs, pulled them straight and started to massage them with brusque, professional skill.  Hakyeon’s cries choked off as the pain sank deeper.  _ Don’t take this, let me dance _ , he begged silently. He grabbed Sanghyuk’s hands so tightly his knuckles went white, twisted in Hongbin’s arms, aware of nothing but their warmth around him and the cramping, terrible cold. 

‘Move back, please,’ said a voice.  _ No, no, don’t, they have to stay _ , thought Hakyeon desperately. 

There was a single, snarled, ‘ _ No _ ,’ from Sanghyuk, and even through the pain, Hakyeon could hear the ferocity in his tone. 

Hongbin’s arms tightened. ‘Staying’, he muttered, close by Hakyeon’s ear. An icy flare of pain ripped through Hakyeon’s legs - and then everything finally let go, leaving only a bearable, rapidly fading ache. Hakyeon collapsed against Hongbin, sobbing with relief. He felt Sanghyuk free his hands and lean forward to put his own arms around them both. Surrounded, warm, Hakyeon clung to them and they held him while he cried.

In a daze, he heard the director and doctor confer in low voices. ‘We will finish there for now,’ announced the director. ‘The doctor says there is no harm done, but he thinks it best if you go straight home.’

The doctor added, ‘He should be kept warm. Will you help him do that?’ Hakyeon felt Sanghyuk’s firm nod.

Hongbin, by now soaked to the skin himself, answered, ‘We can do that’.

The two helped Hakyeon to his feet, wrapped him from head to foot in blankets. Sanghyuk practically carried him to the car, handing him off to Hongbin just long enough to get into the back seat and squeeze up against the window so that they could all fit. Hakyeon, shaking, legs aching, let himself be guided. The only thing that mattered to him was to stay as close as he possibly could.

‘Do you want a hot shower?’ asked Sanghyuk as he helped Hakyeon into the common area. The dancer only shook his head. He didn’t want to be separated from them any longer than was absolutely necessary.

‘All right. My room,’ said Hongbin, and ducked into the bathroom long enough to grab an armful of towels.

There was no awkwardness between them at first. They peeled out of their wet clothes, dried themselves. Then Sanghyuk reached out and dropped a towel over Hakyeon’s head, rubbing his hair vigorously. Caught off guard, Hakyeon yelped, but quickly relaxed into the massage. When the towel was whipped away, he turned, gave the maknae a grateful smile. Hongbin pulled in a sudden, loud breath, but when Hakyeon looked, he already had his back to them, rummaging in a drawer. He came up with three t-shirts, held two out.

‘Really?’ asked Sanghyuk, but he took one and shrugged it on. ‘Tight,’ he said, tugging at the neck.

Hakyeon, studying Hongbin’s face, saw an edge of fear, said nothing. Taking a t-shirt, he slipped it over his head. It was far too big, but he loved the way it almost swallowed him up. It felt nearly as good as its owner’s embrace. ‘I might steal this from you,’ he teased. Hongbin ducked his head, busied himself with putting on his own. Hakyeon caught him by the arm, steered them both to the bed, and lay down in his accustomed place. He was immediately pulled into Sanghyuk’s embrace, felt Hongbin crowd in behind him and hold him tightly. 

‘You scared me,’ whispered Sanghyuk. Out of habit, Hakyeon started to apologise, but was cut off.

‘ _ Don’t _ ,’ growled Hongbin.

They fell into an uneasy doze. Hakyeon, held securely, tried to relax into their arms, but there was a tension that hadn’t been there before. Both hung on to him as though afraid he was going to slip through their fingers. He wanted to tell them it could never happen, that there was nowhere and no one else, because for him it was no longer just about being warm. In the moment when they’d come racing out of the dark, he’d been nothing but need and fear. But the way they’d held him then - held him now - was more than them giving comfort. Hakyeon had felt their own panic as clearly as his own. Now, lying between them, feeling them slowly relax into sleep, he felt their need to keep him close, and it felt like something he’d always wanted. 

‘You saved me,’ he said softly. Drowsily, Sanghyuk splayed his fingers across Hakyeon’s back, rubbing gently. Hakyeon lifted a hand to the maknae’s cheek, touched it lightly. He felt Hongbin bury his face in his hair again, and this time there was no mistaking the kiss that just grazed the tip of Hakyeon’s ear. 

Hakyeon lay awake, listening to them breathe, memorising every sound, every slight shift of their bodies against him. Feeling something swelling in his chest, something that he didn’t dare say, didn’t know how to keep in. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Hongbin drew in a shaky breath. ‘What are we doing?’ he whispered._
> 
>  
> 
> _Hakyeon’s heart sank. Freeing his lips from Sanghyuk’s, he asked, dreading the answer, ‘Do you want to stop?’_
> 
>  
> 
>  _‘_ No _,’ growled Sanghyuk, tightening his hold on them. He dropped his head, kissed the hollow of Hongbin’s throat. Hakyeon felt a moment’s fear flash between them, then Hongbin, trembling, shook his head violently._
> 
>  _‘Want - want this. Want you._ Both _of you.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's a day late ... :)
> 
> The lovely image at the end of the chapter was created for me by expoduck.
> 
> It's so fantastic to have subscriptions! Thank you, I hope you keep enjoying this story.
> 
>  
> 
> Feedback, as always, is love.

They were jolted awake by the sound of voices in the hall. That one of them belonged to Jaehwan confirmed how late it was. ‘We overslept,’ Hakyeon gasped, horrified. Instantly, Hongbin was out of bed, pulling on a pair of sweatpants. 

‘I’ll go. Just - ‘ and he was through the door, closing it carefully. Hakyeon heard his footsteps in the hall, heard Jaehwan greet him in an unmistakably interrogatory manner. Whatever Hongbin said was too low to be heard clearly. Hakyeon and Sanghyuk stared at each other. There was no easy explanation for their presence in Hongbin’s room, in his  _ bed _ \- and for the life of him, Hakyeon couldn’t think of any excuse that might suffice. 

Hongbin slipped back inside the room, leaned against the door for a moment. Taking a deep breath, he walked over and stood by the bed, looking down at the two in it with a peculiar expression

‘Well?’ said Sanghyuk. ‘Tell me you convinced him.’

Hongbin hung his head. ‘I … I tried. He just kept pushing. I’m sorry, I had to tell him the truth’. 

Sanghyuk gaped at him. Hakyeon, heart racing, couldn’t take in what he’d just heard. Then Hongbin’s mouth twitched. He slowly tilted his head to one side and favoured them with a fixed stare and crazy half-smile. ‘Sorry, Hakyeon.’ He sounded anything but. ‘I told him we’d kidnapped you and were keeping you all to ourselves as our new favourite toy.’

Hakyeon, staring, couldn’t suppress a shiver.  _ We never really leave it behind _ , he thought. The smile grew even wider - and then the moment was broken as Sanghyuk threw a pillow with deadly accuracy. Hongbin yelped, grabbed the pillow and heaved it back, laughing. The sound was no normal, so  _ Hongbin _ , that Hakyeon laughed loudly, clapped a hand over his mouth to stifle the sound.

‘ _ You _ ,’ Hakyeon said, when he could get his breath, ‘are a fiend.’ Hongbin looked immensely pleased with the name, gave a little bow.

‘Fiend and monster. Sounds about right. I’m still going to call you ‘Bean’, though,’ said Sanghyuk, and ducked.

They were late to the studio, for which Hakyeon apologised profusely. Sanghyuk attempted to spin an entirely unconvincing story about how difficult it was to wake his leader. From the looks on the others’ face, they thought the opposite was more likely to be true. They didn’t push any further. Noting the signs of sleepless, or at least restless nights, on most of them, Hakyeon realised he’d been entirely too focused on himself. Only Jaehwan looked as though he’d had the best sleep of all of them. Given how often he’d dozed off in recent days, he probably had.

Hongbin said sourly, ‘What’s your secret?’

Jaehwan beamed. ‘Good dreams. Also, I actually slept. Unlike some -’

Hakyeon, quickly, reached over to the desk and pressed playback: ‘Let’s get started.’

The music washed over them, bringing a ghost of cold and loneliness to Hakyeon. It was barely anything, a faded memory. Sanghyuk laid his head on Hakyeon’s shoulder, and under the table, Hongbin’s hand rested on his thigh. Barely needing to move, the dancer inclined his head slightly to press against the maknae’s, covered Hongbin’s hand with his own. Felt the connection, stronger than ever. The last of the cold disappeared on a fading piano note.

Into the silence, Hongbin said, ‘We’ve done it again.’ His voice was tight, almost clogged. Hakyeon thought,  _ we’ve gone further _ . His sense of connection had never been so strong; all he wanted to do was gather Hongbin and Sanghyuk to him, luxuriate in them, but he could also feel dissonance in the air, building to a crisis, jagged and impossible to ignore. 

Hakyeon heard Jaehwan engage Sanghyuk about the imminent release of the videos. He listened with half an ear, eyes on Wonsik. Whatever Taekwoon had said to him, so softly that Hakyeon couldn’t hear, disconcerted the composer completely. For the first time, Hakyeon noticed how pain seemed to sink deep into Wonsik’s bones.  _ What have I missed _ ? He flicked his gaze across to Taekwoon and went very still. He’d never seen such an open look on the vocalist’s face, directed entirely at the man sitting opposite him with his face in his hands. 

The rest of the day was largely a blur for Hakyeon. He retained small details - Jaehwan rejoicing that his hair was back to a rich brown, Sanghyuk’s crow of delight when Wonsik’s turned out to be a silvery-grey, his own admonition to the composer to make sure he slept well - but for the most part, Hakyeon was lost in a welter of sensation and tiredness. Wanting nothing more than to curl up and doze, but still, even in the chaos around him, feeling the threads that ran between Hongbin, Sanghyuk and himself weaving tighter. By the time they arrived home again, he was so impatient for contact that he beat the other two to the couch. He fell asleep in Hongbin’s lap almost immediately, waking briefly when Sanghyuk crowded close to them. There was no sense of time passing; Hakyeon was only aware of their breathing, their bodies lying against each other, a growing need in him.

Hongbin stirred, shifted position slightly. Without opening his eyes, without thinking, Hakyeon reached up and curved his hand around the back of Hongbin’s neck, pulled his head down, and kissed him softly, no more than a ghosting of his lips. Hongbin murmured something, and Hakyeon kissed him again, keeping in contact until he felt an answering pressure. He ran his tongue over Hongbin’s lips, gently encouraging him to open his mouth. And lost himself in dark warmth as Hongbin, waking, claimed his mouth, kissed him deeply and urgently.

There was a strangled noise beside them, and Hakyeon broke contact, saw Hongbin flushed, eyes closed, breathing hard. The sense of connection was so strong that when Hakyeon held out his arm for Sanghyuk, Hongbin drew the maknae in until he was close enough for Hakyeon to kiss. It was completely different; Sanghyuk’s mouth was eager, even clumsy, no less warm but somehow brighter. Hongbin leaned his forehead against them, and Hakyeon gently turned Sanghyuk towards him. There was an instant’s hesitation, then Sanghyuk grabbed Hongbin by the collar and kissed him fiercely. Hakyeon arched, shuddered; the connection was nearly complete. Hongbin’s hand wound into his hair, Sanghyuk caught him around the waist, and they were trading kisses back and forth, Hakyeon rocking forward to be crushed against them, wanting them,  _ needing _ them, afraid to ask.

Hongbin drew in a shaky breath. ‘What are we doing?’ he whispered.

Hakyeon’s heart sank. Freeing his lips from Sanghyuk’s, he asked, dreading the answer, ‘Do you want to stop?’

‘ _ No _ ,’ growled Sanghyuk, tightening his hold on them. He dropped his head, kissed the hollow of Hongbin’s throat. Hakyeon felt a moment’s fear flash between them, then Hongbin, trembling, shook his head violently.

‘Want - want this. Want  _ you _ . Both of you.’ There was something in his voice, a kind of desperate bewilderment that had Hakyeon pulling himself up to stare at them both, searching, listening, feeling only desire all around them. He moved to kiss Hongbin, encountered Sanghyuk’s mouth just as it landed where he was about to place his own lips. The maknae grinned, tried to kiss them both at the same time. They bumped noses, and Hakyeon couldn’t help himself. He laughed. 

‘Come on,’ said Sanghyuk. He still had hold of Hongbin’s collar; now he clenched his other fist in Hakyeon’s shirt and dragged them to their feet with him. Hakyeon wound his arms around them, rubbed his face against Sanghyuk’s chest. ‘My room,’ said the maknae. He pulled, walking backwards. As they moved into the hall, Hakyeon slowed to a stop.  _ Point of no return _ , he thought, swallowing. The idea came stealing into his mind that he should call this off, pull away, protect himself from inevitable coldness when they decided it was all a mistake. He looked up at Sanghyuk, braced himself.

Never breaking eye contact, Sanghyuk loosened his hold on Hakyeon’s shirt, caught him by the hand. He turned it over, brought it to his lips, kissed the palm softly. There was unmistakable heat in his gaze. Then Hongbin caught Hakyeon from behind, pressed against the dancer, tucked his head into his shoulder. Hakyeon heard him struggle to breathe. Sanghyuk tugged on his hand, and Hakyeon let himself be led.

They kept him between them, Hongbin kicking the door closed. Hakyeon turned in their arms, kissing, stroking, wanting to touch them everywhere at once. They fumbled with each other’s clothes, missing buttons, Sanghyuk nearly choking himself trying to get his t-shirt off. Hakyeon took advantage, running his hands across the maknae’s stomach muscles, smiling as they jumped under his fingers. He heard the sound of tearing material, and Hongbin muttered a curse. Then their hands were all over Hakyeon, every nerve waking under their touch, pulling his shirt over his head, Sanghyuk pressing his mouth to the curve of his shoulder. Hakyeon swayed backwards in their hold, tilting his head to expose his neck. Hongbin’s hands dropped to Hakyeon’s waistband. He hesitated. Hakyeon wound his arms around Hongbin’s neck, Sanghyuk’s hands sliding over his chest. He ran his hands through Hongbin’s hair, smiled at him with half-lidded eyes.

‘I’m drunk on you both,’ he murmured. Sanghyuk’s hips jolted forward. Moaning a little in his throat, Hakyeon pushed backwards against his hardness. Hongbin, hands shaking, opened Hakyeon’s belt and pushed his pants down. The dancer kicked his legs clear, rose up on his toes, arms stretched above his head. Naked, revelling in it. 

Hongbin, breathless again, stared at Hakyeon. ‘You’re lovely.’ In one graceful movement, Hakyeon knelt, undid Hongbin’s pants, hooked his fingers into his boxers, and drew them down. He looked up at Hongbin, drinking in the sight of him.

‘So are you, my fiend,’ he said. Turning on his knees, he did the same with Sanghyuk. ‘My monster,’ he breathed, and rising, wrapped himself around Sanghyuk, lifting his legs off the ground when the maknae grabbed his waist. Hakyeon rolled his body against him, and Sanghyuk groaned softly. Then Hongbin was with them, pressing against Hakyeon’s back, kissing down the side of his neck. Trapped between them, rocked back and forth by the movement of their hips, Hakyeon clutched at them, moaning.

‘Oh my god,’ gasped Sanghyuk. He pushed them towards the bed, Hongbin reluctantly moving out of the way long enough to throw off the covers. Bending carefully, Sanghyuk went to lay Hakyeon down, but the dancer only held him tightly, let his weight fall back, and Sanghyuk overbalanced, catching himself on his elbows over him. Hakyeon gave him a wicked smile, undulating against him, feeling him press into his thigh. The bed dipped as Hongbin lay down. Hakyeon turned Sanghyuk’s head and watched them kiss, trailing his hand along Hongbin’s body, down between his thighs. Hongbin moaned into Sanghyuk’s mouth, and Hakyeon arched as Sanghyuk’s hips ground against him. He curled his fingers around Hongbin, stroked him slowly. There was hot, bright breath in his mouth, dark sounds by his ear, the music of skin against skin, and everywhere, threads of connection wrapping around them, tying directly into his nerves. Hakyeon clung to them, moved with them, unsure where he ended and they began, not caring. 

Hongbin pushed his hand between Hakyeon and Sanghyuk, took hold of Hakyeon. He clenched his other fist in Sanghyuk’s hair. The maknae gasped, tried to drop his head against Hakyeon, but Hongbin held him, staring at him hungrily. Hakyeon saw he was completely flushed, and moved his hand faster. Hongbin’s eyes fluttered closed, then snapped open again, focused on Hakyeon, matching his rhythm. Hakyeon bowed his back, pushed up into Hongbin’s hand, thrusting against Sanghyuk. Shaking, held fast by Hakyeon’s legs around his waist and Hongbin’s hand in his hair, the maknae lunged, jerked his hips against Hakyeon, pressing him into the mattress, and let out a harsh, choked cry. Hakyeon locked eyes with Hongbin, saw him come apart with a groan. Crushed against Sanghyuk, Hongbin’s hand on him, he moaned, ‘Kiss me. Oh, kiss me.’

Hongbin’s mouth was over his, Sanghyuk’s lips pressed against both their faces. Hakyeon felt the last threads snap into place, and it was too much, it was everything. He cried out against Hongbin’s mouth, twisted, and it ripped through him, carried him into the dark.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hakyeon looked up, startled. Hongbin’s face was set in what Hakyeon could only describe as a deliberately bored expression. There’d been a flash of something, though, too quick for Hakyeon to grasp. He couldn’t press for details right then, so made a mental note ask later that night.
> 
> When the time came, though, it was the last thing on his mind, because he was being held and kissed by Sanghyuk, Hongbin’s mouth on him drawing soft, helpless cries. Overwhelmed again by their warmth, Hakyeon gave himself up to sensation. At the very edge of his perception, a new thread was spinning between them, coloured with need, shaped like love. He reached for it and let it wash over him.

Hakyeon, drifting, utterly relaxed, frowned. Someone was shaking him. ‘Hakyeon? _Hakyeon_!’ They sounded frightened, but why?

‘What?’ he said drowsily. He felt hands on his face, knew him by his touch. Sanghyuk. Hakyeon turned his face up to be kissed, eyes closed. ‘Hello, monster,’ he slurred.

‘You scared the hell out of us,’ said the maknae. ‘What happened?’

Hakyeon stretched luxuriously, smiled. ‘ _You_ happened, beautiful ones.’ He brought one languid hand up, stroked Sanghyuk’s face. ‘Where’s my fiend?’ There was no answer, but Hongbin dropped his head against theirs, and Hakyeon cupped the back of his neck. ‘There you are.’ He kissed them, moving from one mouth to the other slowly; he had all the time in the world. 

‘You actually passed out,’ said Sanghyuk. ‘Is that going to happen every time?’ Hakyeon thrilled to hear those words (and pushed away the tiny stab of fear), pressed a finger to his lips.

‘I’m fine,’ he said. ‘I’m wonderful.’

Speaking for the first time, Hongbin answered, ‘Yes. You are,’ and pulled them both into his arms. And there was no more talking, only hands on skin, fingers tracing features, mouths kissing, tasting, breath and heartbeat and desire.

All too soon, the time came for Hakyeon and Hongbin to leave. Sanghyuk, almost asleep, pawed at them ineffectually. ‘Stay,’ he pleaded. 

‘You know we can’t,’ said Hakyeon. ‘As much as I’d like to.’ He smiled. ‘And I’m not sure we could come up with a creative explanation.’

‘Don’t care,’ muttered Sanghyuk, reluctantly letting go. 

*****

_Monster is online_  
_Monster has invited you to chat_  
_Fiend is online_  
_N-Mi is online_

Monster> need to ask something

Fiend> Can’t it wait  
Fiend> We only get a 5 minute break

N-Mi> This is ridiculous, we’re in the same room.

Monster> please

N-Mi> What is it?

Monster> what is this

Fiend> It’s a chat room

Monster> Bean shut up  
Monster> I mean what are we

Monster> well don’t all answer at once

N-Mi> Look up.

Monster> …

Fiend> You’re blushing so hard right now

N-Mi> Fiend?  
N-Mi> Look up.

*****

‘Listen to this,’ said Hakyeon in delight. He’d been searching social media all morning and reading out his favourite posts, lying across them both with his head in Hongbin’s lap. Sanghyuk groaned. ‘Quiet, monster. Listen. “It’s so cute how handsy N is with his friends! I love it!!” Handsy. I like that.’

‘Well, you are,’ said Hongbin. ‘You never leave us alone.’ 

Hakyeon reached up and tapped him on the nose. ‘Are you complaining?’ He snuggled closer, was rewarded with a shiver.

‘Only when it’s difficult to breathe.’ With a disgruntled noise, Hakyeon lifted his head, but Hongbin pushed it back down. ‘Did I say I didn’t like it?’

‘Why do you have two?’ Jaehwan pouted. ‘I need pats, too, you know.’

Sanghyuk started to extricate himself. ‘Poor Jyani. I’ll pet you.’

‘Don’t want you,’ Jaehwan grumped. ‘Want Hakyeon.’

There was a decided edge to Hongbin’s voice as he said, ‘He’s ours. Go and bother Taekwoon or Wonsik instead.’ Hakyeon looked up, startled. Hongbin’s face was set in what Hakyeon could only describe as a deliberately bored expression. There’d been a flash of something, though, too quick for Hakyeon to grasp. He couldn’t press for details right then, so made a mental note ask later that night. 

When the time came, though, it was the last thing on his mind, because he was being held and kissed by Sanghyuk, Hongbin’s mouth on him drawing soft, helpless cries. Overwhelmed again by their warmth, Hakyeon gave himself up to sensation. At the very edge of his perception, a new thread was spinning between them, coloured with need, shaped like love. He reached for it and let it wash over him.

When Wonsik came to them with the guide for the next single, _Love Me Do_ , Hakyeon refused to let him leave the room. There was no malice in it; Hakyeon trusted the composer’s ability, perhaps more than Wonsik himself did, and simply wanted him to actually see everyone’s first impressions. Just as before, the opening caught them by surprise, but for entirely different reasons. Where _Fantasy_ had been low, and dark, this song was pure sensuality and seduction, and Hakyeon couldn’t wait to dance to it. His eyes fluttered closed; he was in Hongbin’s bed, kissing him, feeling Sanghyuk’s hands sliding up his thighs, utterly abandoned ( _more of me, take more of me_ ). Then, too soon, the song was ending, and Hakyeon sighed and opened his eyes.

Hongbin, breathing hard, laid his head on Wonsik’s shoulder. ‘I could get lost in that,’ he said, low. Sanghyuk stared determinedly at the tabletop, blushing. Hakyeon’s eyes fell on Jaehwan, who had pillowed his head on his arms. As though aware of scrutiny, the younger man turned his head and smiled at him. Hakyeon stood and stretched; heart full, he stepped around behind Wonsik, bent and embraced him, dropping a light kiss on his hair.

‘Thank you,’ he said softly. And jerked, startled, as Taekwoon shoved himself roughly away from the table, his face twisted. Before anyone could move, or speak, the vocalist was gone. In Hakyeon’s arms, Wonsik slumped. 

‘Let me go,’ he begged. Still shocked, feeling the air vibrate with anger and pain, Hakyeon’s grip loosened, and Wonsik left the room at a run. Hongbin caught Hakyeon’s hand, pulled it against his chest. Sanghyuk stood and wound his arms around him, and Hakyeon leaned into him, mind racing. For an instant, he thought he’d seen something more than anger in Taekwoon, the metallic sheen of pure fear. It was nothing he could make sense of, though. Conscious of Jaehwan’s eyes on him, Hakyeon reluctantly disengaged from Hongbin and Sanghyuk. 

The dance rehearsals proved to be a source of both frustration and joy for Hakyeon. The choreography concept, with its slow movements and traded-off touches between them, thrilled him. It was every bit as seductive as the song itself. One move, where he took hold of Jaehwan, bent him at the waist and trailed his hand down his back, drew more than a few raised eyebrows. Jaehwan, however, seemed particularly satisfied with it. 

*****

_Monster is online_  
_Fiend is online_  
_N-Mi is online_

Fiend> you enjoy that too much

Monster> think I’m getting jealous

N-Mi> Don’t worry.  
N-Mi> There’s plenty of me to go around.

Fiend> Not in that dance

N-Mi> Yes. But if I had my hands on you, I’d probably be distracted.

Monster> …  
Monster> dammit

Fiend> Let’s see you concentrate now

*****

That night, Hakyeon whispered in Hongbin’s ear as they followed Sanghyuk. Concealing his smile, he shut the door and nodded. With a single, well-aimed shove, Hongbin pushed Sanghyuk down on the bed, sitting on him. ‘Hello, monster,’ said Hongbin, with that mad smile, and reached between the maknae’s legs. Taking that as his cue, Hakyeon launched his own attack, kissing and licking, both of them driving Sanghyuk until he was a writhing, moaning mess. 

When he could talk again, Sanghyuk fixed them both with a baleful stare, somewhat undermined by his flushed face and trembling hands. ‘That was -’

‘You’re welcome,’ said Hongbin.

‘I’ll get my revenge,’ Sanghyuk promised, and Hakyeon laughed.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _‘Then sleep, my - ’ Hakyeon caught himself, turned to kiss Sanghyuk, who gave him a sleepy smile. Then there was only the sound of steadily slowing breathing. Hakyeon’s head was full of noise, full of the word he hadn’t let pass his lips._ Love _, he thought._ Love, love, love … why is it so hard to say _? Weariness dragged at him; he couldn’t keep his eyes open. Snuggling down into their arms, he told himself,_ they know, it’s in everything I do, they don’t need me to tell them _. His last thought before sleep, unwelcome and firmly pushed away, was_ are you sure?

As they tried to perfect the dance, real problems became apparent. Taekwoon and Wonsik just couldn’t seem to get their move to work, no matter how many times they rehearsed it. Finally, just as Hakyeon was about to step in, Taekwoon suggested substituting Hongbin for the composer. The new move was clearly going to need a lot of practice, but at least it wasn’t falling out of time with the rest. Hakyeon caught a flash of anger, suppressed quickly, from Wonsik. Even with the new choreography, Taekwoon remained stiff, held himself apart, and Wonsik seemed almost to lose his natural sense of rhythm. It grated on them all, and each one developed his own way of dealing with it.

Sanghyuk took to cornering Hakyeon and Hongbin in the studio bathroom and kissing them breathless. Hongbin, warier, still found excuses to stay close. And at night, Hakyeon waited impatiently for the moment when they could drop the pretense and lose themselves in each other. He was happier than he’d ever been, and it spilled over into every part of his life. He found himself lavishing cuddles and pats on a very appreciative Jaehwan, who virtually preened under the attention. Often content to sit as his feet, Jaehwan became increasingly demanding, sometimes insisting on sitting in Hakyeon’s lap. The dancer indulged him, knowing there was nothing between them, secure in his happiness. And Sanghyuk and Hongbin just shrugged, only insisting on prying Jaehwan away when he’d monopolised Hakyeon for hours at a time.

Watching the rehearsals fail, time after time, Hakyeon was struck by just how helpless he was. He had a growing conviction that there was something beyond anger and pain at work. It occupied too much of his thoughts; in Hongbin’s room that night, Sanghyuk wanted to know where his mind was. Hakyeon, lying with his head on Hongbin’s chest, said absently, ‘I think Taekwoon feels something for Wonsik.’ The maknae was skeptical. Hakyeon supposed the idea seemed completely out of character for the reserved vocalist. Nonetheless, he persisted.

‘I don’t know about Taekwoon,’ Hongbin said, ‘but Wonsik definitely feels for him.’

‘What?’ ‘Are you sure?’ Hakyeon and Sanghyuk asked at the same time. Hakyeon lifted his head. Hongbin was flushed, eyes closed, mouth twisted strangely.

‘For a long time now,’ he murmured. ‘He’s not as good at hiding as he thinks he is. Except maybe from Taekwoon.’

‘He’s miserable,’ said Hakyeon. ‘I think they both are.’

‘Okay, so what do we do about it?’ asked Sanghyuk.

Tone unexpectedly sharp, Hongbin replied, ‘Nothing. We do nothing. It’s not up to us to push them into anything.’ Hakyeon heard an odd undercurrent in his voice, shaded with the memory of old pain and the rawness of a new wound. 

‘Fiend?’ said Hakyeon. There was no answer, but Hongbin took a deep breath, shook his head and pushed Hakyeon’s head down again. At a loss, Hakyeon snuggled close. _What’s wrong with you_?

Another difficult rehearsal, and yet another, and even Hakyeon’s patience was fraying. It should have been a beautiful, effortless dance, and it was being steadily ruined. He forced himself to rein in his temper, aware that his jaw ached from clenching his teeth. When they were finally let go for the day, there was a general sense of relief that grated like sandpaper on Hakyeon’s nerves. Weary, dragging his feet, he gathered his things. An arm snaked around his waist, and Jaehwan ducked under his arm. Hakyeon gave him a fond smile, ruffling his hair. As usual, Jaehwan’s bad mood had vanished within seconds. Not for the first time, Hakyeon found himself thankful that at least one person in the group seemed able to shake off the friction that kept everyone else on edge. 

‘I’ll drive,’ offered Jaehwan, snatching the keys. He turned, then to Hakyeon’s complete astonishment, swooped back in and kissed him on the cheek. ‘Come on,’ he said, tugging at Hakyeon’s hand. Bemused, Hakyeon let himself be dragged from the room, past Sanghyuk, who was looking at him incredulously. Hakyeon smiled and shrugged.

Bundled into the passenger seat, he tried to turn around, but Hongbin was sitting directly behind him, and Hakyeon couldn’t see his face, only that Sanghyuk had taken his hand and was leaning close. Jaehwan was chattering in his ear, poking him to get his attention. Resolving yet again to find a way to discover what was wrong, Hakyeon grabbed at Jaehwan’s hand, put it firmly back on the steering wheel. ‘I’d rather you didn’t crash us,’ he said lightly. Jaehwan just smiled and patted Hakyeon’s arm. 

At home, Hakyeon took his usual place on the couch, cuddling up to Sanghyuk and pulling Hongbin’s feet into his lap. Jaehwan curled up at his feet, leaned against Hakyeon’s knee. Letting his head fall back onto Sanghyuk’s chest, Hakyeon sighed happily. He curved his hands around Hongbin’s feet, rubbing gently to disguise his impatience. This was all very well, but it wasn’t where he wanted to be. It seemed hours before Jaehwan finally stirred and bid them all goodnight, bending to lightly tap Hakyeon between the eyes. As soon as he heard the door close, Hakyeon was on his feet. 

Eager to be in full contact, Hakyeon stripped off his clothes quickly, and lay face up in the centre of Hongbin’s bed. A moment later, Sanghyuk joined him. Hongbin, though, seemed to be in no hurry, even going so far as to throw his clothes in the laundry hamper. Usually, he left them where they fell, to be gathered up in the morning. When he finally slid into bed, he gently pushed Hakyeon until he turned on his side and held him there with one arm. Smiling, Hakyeon turned his head. Hongbin’s eyes were already closed. ‘Fiend?’ said Hakyeon, uncertainly, not sure what he was feeling.

‘I’m just tired, Hakyeon,’ came the reply. Hakyeon reached up and stroked the side of Hongbin’s face.

‘Then sleep, my - ’ Hakyeon caught himself, turned to kiss Sanghyuk, who gave him a sleepy smile. Then there was only the sound of steadily slowing breathing. Hakyeon’s head was full of noise, full of the word he hadn’t let pass his lips. _Love_ , he thought. _Love, love, love … why is it so hard to say_? Weariness dragged at him; he couldn’t keep his eyes open. Snuggling down into their arms, he told himself, _they know, it’s in everything I do, they don’t need me to tell them_. His last thought before sleep, unwelcome and firmly pushed away, was _are you sure_?


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Monster is online_   
>  _N-Mi is online_   
>  _Fiend is online_
> 
> Monster> you like him
> 
> N-MI> Jaehwan? Of course. He’s sweet.
> 
> Fiend> You do like him
> 
> N-Mi> He’s not you.  
>  N-Mi> Fiend? Monster?
> 
> _Fiend is offline_
> 
> N-MI> He could never be you.
> 
> *****
> 
> Jaehwan spoke. ‘You know I love you, Hakyeon, don’t you?’ he said.

*****

_Monster is online_  
_N-Mi is online_

_Fiend is online_

Monster> you like him

N-MI> Jaehwan? Of course. He’s sweet.

Fiend> You do like him

N-Mi> He’s not you.  
N-Mi> Fiend? Monster?

_Fiend is offline_

N-MI> He could never be you.

*****

As Hakyeon had feared, the general dissatisfaction with Taekwoon and Wonsik’s behaviour finally boiled over at rehearsal. What he hadn’t expected was Jaehwan to be the one who snapped.

‘It’s not that hard!’ yelled Jaehwan. ‘We’ve done way more complicated choreo than this!’  
Everyone froze. Sanghyuk, in the act of stretching out a kinked leg muscle, shot an alarmed look at Hakyeon. Taekwoon said nothing, stared at Jaehwan with icy fury. His silence only aggravated the younger vocalist even more. ‘You’re acting like a diva! What the hell is _wrong_ with you?’ Appalled, Hakyeon saw Taekwoon’s jaw clench as he took a step forward. Jaehwan, defiant, lifted his chin. ‘Go on - hit me. I dare you.’ 

Hakyeon dived between them, pushing Jaehwan back. ‘That’s enough! Stop it, both of you.’ Caught between their anger at each other, he flinched, shook his head to clear it, used his leader voice. ‘I’m ending this for today. Everyone, go and relax. Get it out of your systems.’ Jaehwan looked mutinous, and Hakyeon, softening, said quietly, ‘Go on, Jyani’, rubbing his arms soothingly. With a last glare at Taekwoon, Jaehwan stepped back and went to gather his things. ‘Taekwoon … Wonsik … you stay behind.’

Hongbin and Sanghyuk waited by the door, but when Hakyeon darted a glance their way, Sanghyuk nodded and caught Hongbin by the arm. Hakyeon had already turned back to the two men in front of him by the time he heard the door close. ‘This has gone far enough,’ he said. ‘You have affected the synergy of the whole group.’ He held up a hand as Wonsik opened his mouth to speak. ‘I don’t want you to explain the situation to me, but you need to at least start to resolve it. Now.’ Hakyeon stepped back, crossed his arms, planning to make a quick exit the moment one of them spoke.

They didn’t. They didn’t even look at one another at first. Finally, it was Wonsik who raised his head and met Taekwoon’s eyes. Hakyeon reeled inwardly from the onslaught of raw emotion churning between them. So much pain and fear, and at the heart of it, almost drowned … Hakyeon knew he loved Hongbin and Sanghyuk, but in the face of this yearning, terrible need, he was absolutely paralysed. And then Taekwoon was gone in a flurry of limbs, and Hakyeon darted forward to catch Wonsik as his legs buckled. He had no idea what to say, so he fell back on platitudes and reassurance, but it felt like Wonsik couldn’t even hear him. 

Ducking his head to make sure he was right in front of the composer’s eyes, Hakyeon spoke directly from his heart. ‘Trust me. Trust _him_. Small steps.’ There was the tiniest of nods, but it was enough for Hakyeon to get Wonsik moving, almost holding him up. Sanghyuk was waiting at the car, took Wonsik into the back seat with him and Hakyeon, hands shaking, simply handed the keys to Hongbin and collapsed in the passenger seat.

‘Taekwoon?’ Hakyeon asked. Hongbin just shook his head, face tight.

Between them, they got Wonsik back home, Jaehwan opening doors ahead of them and turning down the covers on the composer’s bed. Without bothering to do more than slip off his shoes, Sanghyuk pushed Wonsik down. Sitting on the edge of the bed, Hakyeon stroked Wonsik’s hair, feeling utterly useless. He had nothing to offer but meaningless words of comfort. Wonsik turned over, pulled the covers around himself. Dismissed, Hakyeon rose carefully and left the room.

They gathered in the hallway. Indicating Taekwoon’s door, Hakyeon asked, ‘Did he come home?’

‘I looked,’ said Jaehwan, standing close to Hakyeon. ‘He’s not there.’

‘I have no idea where he could have gone,’ said Hongbin. 

‘So how long do we wait?’ asked Sanghyuk. The maknae shifted from foot to foot, bleeding off nervous energy.

Hakyeon said, ‘We have to give him time, hope he comes home here. If he walked, it could be at least fifteen more minutes.’

‘Hope?’ Hongbin sounded out of breath, and Hakyeon could feel the fear in him. ‘You think … he wouldn’t -’

‘ _Don’t_ ,’ Hakyeon cut him off. ‘I should never have pushed them,’ he said, guilty. He couldn’t look at any of them, but every part of him was reaching out. After being caught between Wonsik and Taekwoon, Hakyeon needed them. But it was Jaehwan who was there first, pulling him into a close hug. 

‘Stop it, Yeonnie,’ said Jaehwan. ‘It’s not your fault’. Hakyeon laid his forehead against Jaehwan’s shoulder, felt a kiss on his hair. Jaehwan was warm, entirely focused on Hakyeon, but he wasn’t what the dancer needed - or even really wanted. _This isn’t fair to him_ , he thought. He heard footsteps moving, the slam of a door, but it barely registered. Jaehwan was right in front of him, and he needed to put this to rest while he could.

Breaking the embrace, he took Jaehwan by the hand and led him to the common area. He headed automatically for the couch, caught himself, went to a chair instead. This was going to be hard enough; the last thing he needed was for Jaehwan to decide to cuddle up. He felt confusion radiating from the other man, frantically tried to think of how to begin. Then Jaehwan spoke.

‘You know I love you, don’t you?’ he said.

Panic stabbed through Hakyeon. It was exactly what he thought. Even though Jaehwan had never asked for anything beyond embraces and affection … _has he been hoping for more all along? How stupid and selfish have I been_? ‘Jaehwan,’ said Hakyeon helplessly. ‘Oh, Jyani, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I should have said something long before now.’ There was no response, and Hakyeon just hurled himself headlong into it, knowing he was probably making no sense at all. ‘You’re …. I didn’t mean to give you the idea … I’m so sorry. It’s just that … Hongbin, Sanghyuk -’

Jaehwan interrupted. ‘I know.’ Completely derailed, Hakyeon just stared. ‘I know. I see how you are with them. I don’t always pick up on these kinds of things, but even to me, it’s obvious.’

The front door opened. Hakyeon blinked, looked up to see Taekwoon hanging up his coat. Without even acknowledging their presence, he walked swiftly to his room, shut the door firmly. There was too much happening; he needed to focus. ‘When - when did you -’

Jaehwan shrugged. ‘I’m not exactly sure. After Hongbin tried to give me that stupid excuse for you all not being awake, definitely. Before that, I just saw how … easy you were with each other.’ He sounded faintly envious, and Hakyeon didn’t know how he could ever apologise enough.

‘I’m so sorry, I should have told you,’ he said helplessly. ‘I’ve been so unfair to you. I know I’ve given you the wrong idea, and I’m sorry, but -’

‘Yeonnie,’ said Jaehwan with an edge of exasperation, ‘can you just stop talking for a second?’ He took a deep breath. ‘Do you think I’d ever want to come between you? Besides. I don’t want … that from you, anyway. I’ve never wanted that from anyone,’ Jaehwan continued. ‘I don’t need it. I’m not made that way.’ He smiled.

Hakyeon was completely lost. ‘You’re not?’

‘Yah, this is taking too long. It’s simple!’ Jaehwan threw up his hands. ‘It’s not about sex. Okay?’ Hakyeon blinked. ‘It’s cuddles. And being close. And pats, lots of pats. You must have noticed,’ he grinned. ‘I just like yours more than most.’ The smile died, and he looked straight at Hakyeon, more serious than the dancer had ever seen him. ‘I’ve been greedy. I should apologise to all of you.’

Hakyeon reached forward, took Jaehwan’s hands. ‘No, don’t, you don’t have to. I just - I had no idea.’ Still struggling to understand, he asked, ‘You’re really happy this way?’

Jaehwan shoved him. ‘Were you even listening? _Yes_ , I’m happy. I have you all, I have Starlight. I just never wanted to make things hard for you’.

Relieved, Hakyeon slid from the chair, crouched near Jaehwan and hugged him. ‘I do love you, Jyani.’

‘Of course you do,’ said Jaehwan matter-of-factly. ‘I’m irresistible.’

Hakyeon swatted at him, laughing for the first time in the whole awful day. There was a noise from the hall, too faint to identify.

‘But Yeonnie, you have to talk to them,’ said Jaehwan. You’re going to lose them if you don’t.’ The laughter died in Hakyeon’s throat. Reflexively, he reached for them through their connection. Sanghyuk he found immediately, warm as always, but somehow his brightness was clouded. And Hongbin - was _cold_. He was on his feet instantly.

‘Don’t you dare screw this up,’ Jaehwan was saying. ‘It’s bad enough putting up with those two anyway. I’m not having a mopey maknae taking up my Starlight time.’ He looked up. ‘Hakyeon?’

‘I need to make a telephone call,’ said Hakyeon absently. Every part of him was focused on the other two, but he needed to get something organised first. Something that might break through the smeared, snarled mess all their lives had become.

‘Oh no, that’s your ‘planning something’ face,’ groaned Jaehwan. ‘This never goes wrong.’

‘Just make sure you’re up early tomorrow for a change,’ said Hakyeon. ‘You need to get Wonsik out of bed. I’ll handle Taekwoon.’

Arrangements made, Hakyeon made a beeline for Sanghyuk’s room, tapping once before entering. It was empty. Disoriented, he turned towards Hongbin’s, heard Sanghyuk call him softly to come in. As his eyes adjusted to the gloom, he saw they were in bed. Hongbin was turned away from the door, Sanghyuk spooned up behind him. The maknae put a finger to his lips as Hakyeon approached, mouthed, ‘Sleeping’. Something was skewed; Hakyeon felt off-balance. He got into bed beside Sanghyuk, who shifted onto his back and gathered him close. Barely making a sound, Sanghyuk whispered, ‘What am I going to do with the two of you?’ Hakyeon started to speak, but the maknae just hugged him tightly. ‘Tomorrow,’ he said, kissing Hakyeon’s forehead.

‘Tomorrow,’ murmured Hakyeon. ‘I’ve got a surprise for everyone. I think - I hope - it will help.’

‘ _Something_ better help,’ muttered Sanghyuk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, glad you're still with me, and hope you're enjoying this.
> 
> We're approaching the end of Hakyeon's tale, so I thought I'd drop in a mention of Part 3 of _Shinbyeong_.
> 
> It's titled 'My Stolen Heart, My Twisted Fate', and it's Hongbin's story. I hope you'll stay for it.
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, feedback is, as always, love.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Hakyeon stood in the corridor for a long time; alone, for the first time in so long, he had nowhere to go. Behind the doors, he could feel them all. Jaehwan, settling into sleep. Wonsik and Taekwoon, strung taut but somehow soft around the edges. Sanghyuk, love and exasperation and helplessness all twisted up together, dimming his brightness. A ghost that was once Hongbin._
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _*****_
> 
>  
> 
>  _Aching, he took one, two steps backwards. There was only one place left for him. His room, virtually abandoned except for those brief times when they’d forced themselves to leave each other for a few hours. His bed, holding no warmth, no scent, stale and sterile. Without bothering to undress he laid down on top of the covers. It had finally happened, he’d been a fool living in a dream to think it would last, he knew how his dreams always ended. He crossed his arms over his face, trying to shut out everything, but the voice in his mind persisted._ My fault, my fault, my fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just thought I'd put in another mention here that _Take More of Me_ is a parallel work to _Fantasy_. It came about after I discovered that there was a ChaHyukBin in my WonTaek story, and, well, there was a tale there that needed to be told.
> 
> As for poor Hakyeon - it's always darkest before the dawn, as they say.

The morning started badly. Hakyeon had to practically bully Taekwoon to get out of bed. The vocalist only submitted with bad grace when Hakyeon made it a virtual order. Jaehwan had better luck with Wonsik, although when they were finally packed into the car, he sat silently, looking out the window. Hongbin, too, was quiet, but Sanghyuk, in full monster mode, exuded an infectious enthusiasm. Hakyeon, trying to concentrate on driving, laughed when the others finally realised their destination.

‘A _zoo_? Hakyeon, we can’t go to the zoo!’ exclaimed Sanghyuk. 

Pressed for an explanation, Hakyeon simply refused, taking the car down a side road and parking in front of the animal nursery. He greeted the administrator politely, but he was impatient. Ushered into the baby panda room, he was immediately charmed, but held himself back, watching the others fall under their spell. Called by Jaehwan to feel how soft his little creature’s fur felt, he knelt on the floor, stroked it gently. He wanted nothing more than to lose himself in the sensation, because all he felt from the panda was playfulness. No fear, no pain, only complete trust. Instead, he focused his attention on Hongbin and Sanghyuk, who’d commandeered a particularly rough-and-tumble pair. The two seemed happy enough, though Hakyeon thought he caught a tightness around Hongbin’s eyes.

With difficulty, he tore his gaze away from them, looked over at the last pair. His heart lifted to see Taekwoon smile so beautifully at Wonsik, and at the softness in the composer’s face when he reached out without thinking to help the vocalist tidy himself up. A second later, Hakyeon pulled in a pained breath when Wonsik jerked away, and Taekwoon’s expression closed over. _Small steps_ , he reminded himself. Any joy would help them all now.

As they walked back out to the car, Hongbin, just behind him, said in a low voice, ‘Did you think it would be that easy?’ There was such bitterness behind his words that Hakyeon gasped, started to turn. Hongbin pushed past him, leaving him staring. To Hakyeon, he’d felt closed off, only the faintest connection there. Driving back, he listened with half an ear to Jaehwan recording a video, excitedly telling to Starlight about their experience. In the rear-view mirror, Hakyeon could see Sanghyuk lean against Hongbin.

At home, Hakyeon automatically went to the couch, only to find that Sanghyuk had apparently decided to occupy the central position. He held out an arm for Hakyeon, and the dancer cuddled close. Jaehwan sat at his feet; without thinking, Hakyeon reached out to ruffle his hair, caught himself. He looked up at Sanghyuk, let his hand come to rest over Hongbin’s. The maknae gave him a rueful smile. The front door opened and closed, and Hakyeon knew it was Taekwoon, leaving again. Shortly after, Wonsik, who’d been pacing restlessly, announced he was going to the dance studio to pick up some notes he’d left. 

Hakyeon sat quietly, listening to Sanghyuk and Jaehwan talking, reliving yet again the experience with the pandas. When asked a direct question, he was able to answer, and part of him marvelled at that, because his head was spinning. Hongbin, head back, eyes closed, was an echoing silence in the room. Sanghyuk pulled out his phone, and catching sight of the display, Hakyeon realised how late it was. His worries about Wonsik and Taekwoon came flooding back; he had no idea where the vocalist could be, but Wonsik, at least, should be easy to find. 

‘Sanghyuk? Will you go to the studio and make Wonsik come home, please?’ asked Hakyeon. Sanghyuk looked none too pleased at being asked to move, but went willingly enough. As soon as he had gone Hakyeon picked up his own phone and sent a text to Taekwoon. There was no answer, and Hakyeon couldn’t tell if the message had been missed, or ignored outright. He turned to Hongbin.

Without opening his eyes, Hongbin said, ‘Haven’t you done enough?’ His tone was weary, angry, and full of echoes that had nothing to do with Taekwoon. Hakyeon stared. Instead, moving carefully, he slid closer and leaned against Hongbin, held himself still. He felt Hongbin take in an uneven breath, and then Hakyeon was being held, loosely, in one arm. He tried to relax into it, but for the first time, it was uncomfortable. They didn’t fit together. Even so, Hakyeon didn’t move until Sanghyuk returned, with not only Wonsik, but also Taekwoon, in tow. There was something different about the two, tension still, but without the jagged edge that had earlier coloured everything. Then Sanghyuk came over to the couch and Hakyeon was struck all over again by just how solid he was. For all his high energy, the maknae steadied Hakyeon, even grounded Hongbin somehow. Hakyeon, grateful, hooked his legs over Sanghyuk’s. 

Without warning, Hongbin shrugged out from under Hakyeon and wrenched himself to his feet. Overbalanced, Hakyeon fell forward, catching himself with his elbows. He looked up, but Hongbin was already striding out of the room, Sanghyuk scrambling up to go after him. Hakyeon, shocked, pushed himself to a sitting position. ‘Go,’ said a voice near his feet; Jaehwan stood up, met his gaze with sad eyes, and then he too was gone. Alone, Hakyeon stared about him. Everything was splintering. _Get up_ , he told himself, _move_. 

He was halfway down the hall when he saw Sanghyuk at Hongbin’s door. The maknae tapped softly, opened it a crack. ‘Bean?’ he called softly. Hakyeon couldn’t hear any response, but there was no mistaking the upset in Sanghyuk’s face when he turned back, shook his head, and went into Hongbin’s room. The door closed. He stood in the corridor for a long time; alone, for the first time in so long, he had nowhere to go. Behind the doors, he could feel them all. Jaehwan, settling into sleep. Wonsik and Taekwoon, strung taut but somehow soft around the edges. Sanghyuk, love and exasperation and helplessness all twisted up together, dimming his brightness. A ghost that was once Hongbin. 

Hakyeon moved like a sleepwalker, stood outside Hongbin’s room with his hand on the door. Listened to the silence. Wished desperately for the words, the courage to go in and talk to them. Turned away, finally, let himself into Sanghyuk’s room, and crawled into his bed. It was cold, and too big, but it still held, faintly, that scent that the three of them created together. No substitute, and it made his heart ache. Hakyeon couldn’t cry. He curled up, didn’t even try to sleep, just lay staring at the wall, trying to make some sense out of the storm of perceptions tearing through him. Sometime before dawn, he heard a bedroom door open and close, and then the sound of the shower running. 

By the time Hakyeon felt able to get up and face everything, only Wonsik and Taekwoon were still asleep. He slipped out of Sanghyuk’s room, ducked into his own and pulled on some clean clothes. The idea of going through his normal morning routine was simply too difficult. Schooling his face into a deliberately pleasant expression, he walked out to the common area straight into the middle of an argument between Jaehwan and Sanghyuk. He winced, but realised almost instantly that there was no malice in it, and on the heels of that, heard Hongbin laughing. It was all so jarringly normal ( _what it used to be_ ) that it couldn’t possibly be real. Hakyeon’s confusion was only compounded when first Wonsik, then Taekwoon appeared. Both seemed lighter, more open, something flowering between them that approached the sound they made together when they sang. It wasn’t fully realised, but it washed over Hakyeon like a balm. 

Later, when they all executed the dance perfectly, Hakyeon saw smiles exchanged and relief lifting tired muscles. During a break, Jaehwan approached, butted his head against Hakyeon’s shoulder, and said quietly, ‘Looks like the pandas worked’. At the same time, Hakyeon heard Wonsik smother a laugh at something Taekwoon had whispered to him. It was such a carefree sound that Hakyeon couldn’t help but smile. _Something worked, at least_ , he thought. He looked up, saw Hongbin turn away, and felt his own face fall as distance opened between them. 

That feeling persisted long into the evening. Even though they were as physically close as always, to Hakyeon it was like touching air. There was food, that had no substance or taste. There was conversation, but it was a collection of meaningless syllables. There was even laughter. Hakyeon, dislocated, caught the occasional flare of anger or happiness, but he couldn’t tell who was feeling what. Everything seemed overlaid with masks, with lies. And then, before anyone else had moved, Hongbin stood. Hakyeon saw him look pointedly at Sanghyuk ( _avoiding me?_ ). ‘I’m going to bed,’ Hongbin said. ‘I’m tired.’ His tone was light enough, but the sudden tightening around Sanghyuk’s eyes as he registered the slight stress on the word ‘I’m’ was unmistakable. 

Hakyeon reached for Sanghyuk’s hand, gripped it between his own. The maknae returned the pressure for a moment. ‘Guess I’ll turn in, too,’ he said. ‘Goodnight, Hakyeon.’ He left the room, walking heavily. Then two doors opened and closed, and Hakyeon, shocked, understood. _Go to him_ , he told himself - but which one? He was up and moving, hearing Jaehwan’s voice, but it meant nothing to him. At the end of the hall he faced their doors, shifting from foot to foot. He reached for first one handle, then the other; he couldn’t make himself close the gap. They’d literally shut him out.

Aching, he took one, two steps backwards. There was only one place left for him. His room, virtually abandoned except for those brief times when they’d forced themselves to leave each other for a few hours. His bed, holding no warmth, no scent, stale and sterile. Without bothering to undress he laid down on top of the covers. It had finally happened, he’d been a fool living in a dream to think it would last, he knew how his dreams always ended. He crossed his arms over his face, trying to shut out everything, but the voice in his mind persisted. _My fault, my fault, my fault_.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sanghyuk carried Hakyeon over to the bed, but this time simply collapsed onto it. Freeing himself just long enough to pull the covers out from under them, Hakyeon lay down and pulled Sanghyuk into his arms. The maknae seemed far away, and with a pang Hakyeon realised they were both making space for Hongbin. ‘Where is he?’ Hakyeon asked in a low voice.
> 
> Burrowing close so that he was laying almost half over Hakyeon, Sanghyuk hid his face. ‘In his room. He won’t come out. Hasn’t since -’ He didn’t finish, but Hakyeon knew. He stroked the maknae’s hair. ‘Hakyeon, aein ...’ Hakyeon blinked; it was the first time either of them had called him anything other than his name. It felt beautiful, in Hyuk’s voice. It felt right. “you have to do something. We … don’t work unless it’s all of us.’
> 
> ‘I know,’ said Hakyeon softly. ‘I don’t want this to end, either. But, monster … I’m starting to be afraid he does.’
> 
>  
> 
> *****
> 
> ' _Fix this_ , Hakyeon,' said Sanghyuk. 'You’re the only one who can. _Find a way_.'

Because it was technically a rest day for the group, no one was awake when Hakyeon finally gave up on sleep. As the leader, he had a meeting with the agency team to go over the schedule for _Kratos_ and the projects that would rapidly follow. It wasn’t until mid-morning, but Hakyeon dressed and left early. He knew he was avoiding; he just couldn’t bring himself to face more of that silence. Or worse, a home full of banter and laughter that should thrill him, but was something he didn’t know how to reach for.

It was the sort of detail-oriented work that Hakyeon ordinarily enjoyed. Juggling already-booked commitments, making space for last-minute offers, all the minutiae that went into bringing something from initial concept to fruition, might be a necessary evil, but it gave Hakyeon the opportunity to be the leader in the best possible way. He could argue for adequate rest time or plan for outings designed to ease the pressure on them all. Try as he might, though, he couldn’t keep himself focused. More than once he was called to attention when he failed to answer an unheard question. He apologised sincerely, assured the others at the table that he was quite well, just a little tired. Admonished to take better care of himself, he heard himself say all the right things, but everything was just noise, and all he wanted was quiet.

Afterwards, he excused himself from joining the others for lunch, slid behind the wheel of the car, and just drove, with no idea where he was going. Traffic was stop-start as always, but the simple, monotonous repetition of creeping forward, braking, waiting, creeping again, worked like a kind of hypnosis. Everything else was still there, but it was drowned out. Hakyeon felt almost numb, and for the first time, he welcomed it. And then his throat was aching, and his vision doubled. _Get off the road._ He swung the car into a side street, parked nose-first in a space facing a small park. Dropped his head against the steering wheel and shuddered as it all came crashing back.

The silence. The confusion. Sanghyuk, bright but somehow brittle. Hongbin’s laughter, shaped like everyday, coloured like heartache. Through it all, Jaehwan’s warning (you’re going to lose them) rang like a clear, cold bell. _I don’t understand, I don’t understand_ , Hakyeon could still see the love ( _nothing has changed_ ) between them all, he wanted nothing more than to be with them, he thought he’d showed that in everything he did. But it was twisting, creaking with strain. _Am I blind_? 

His phone buzzed from the passenger seat where he’d thrown it. Probably a message from the agency, something they’d forgotten to discuss. For a wild moment, Hakyeon entertained the thought of just pitching the phone out of the window. The last thing he wanted to be right then was _responsible_. The habit was too ingrained in him, though; he picked it up. A single notification, from Sanghyuk, asking him into their chatroom. 

*****

_Monster is online_   
_N-Mi is online_

Monster> hakyeon  
Monster> we need to talk

N-Mi> Has something happened?

Monster> wow  
Monster> really  
Monster> shit

N-Mi> Please calm down and tell me what’s wrong.

Monster> hakyeon this is crazy

_Fiend is online_

N-Mi> Tell me.

Monster> oh crap

Fiend> Tell what?

_Monster is offline_  
_Fiend is offline_

*****

Hakyeon stared at his phone. There was no mistaking it; Hongbin’s arrival in the chatroom was completely unexpected. Whatever Sanghyuk had been about to tell him, it clearly wasn’t something he wanted Hongbin to know. _I need to go back_. Hakyeon started the car, sat with it idling, looking out at the park. Flowers, an old man feeding birds, children chasing each other, a young man lying with his head on a girl’s lap, reading to her. It was the most unreal thing he’d ever seen. Yanking at the wheel, he reversed into the flow of traffic, barely missing a cyclist who yelled angrily. He didn’t care. 

He didn’t make it home until nearly evening. When he let himself in, he went straight into the common area, heading for the couch - and stopped dead. Jaehwan was sprawled there, taking up most of the space. With barely enough room, Wonsik perched at the other end, but his attention was entirely turned towards Taekwoon, seated in a chair across from him. Sanghyuk curled up in a nest of oversize cushions, idly channel-surfing, never stopping on one program for more than a few seconds. And Hongbin was nowhere to be seen. To Hakyeon, the scene was so completely out of balance that it made his head swim. When Jaehwan greeted him, he couldn’t reply.

The television clicked off and Sanghyuk looked back over his shoulder. His gaze was direct, and very steady, holding contact without speaking. Hakyeon saw a strange, fragile determination in him, and took a step towards him. With a tiny shake of his head, Sanghyuk rose, moved past Hakyeon. He whispered, ‘My room. Please’. Hakyeon knew he should wait, but the tension in Sanghyuk’s back sent him following nearly on the maknae’s heels.

It wasn’t really a surprise that Hongbin wasn’t there when they entered, but Hakyeon still let out a breath of disappointment. He went to embrace Sanghyuk, but the maknae evaded his grasp, tugged at Hakyeon’s shirt. ‘Please. I need -’ Hakyeon quickly shed his clothes, throwing his pants into a corner of the room. When he looked up, Sanghyuk had done the same, and in two quick steps, Hakyeon was in his arms, being held so tightly he couldn’t breathe. Sanghyuk shifted his grasp and actually picked him up, Hakyeon automatically bringing his legs around his waist. So much like their first time together, but everything else was different, and the only desire between them was for the comfort of skin. 

Sanghyuk carried Hakyeon over to the bed, but this time simply collapsed onto it. Freeing himself just long enough to pull the covers out from under them, Hakyeon lay down and pulled Sanghyuk into his arms. The maknae seemed far away, and with a pang Hakyeon realised they were both making space for Hongbin. ‘Where is he?’ Hakyeon asked in a low voice. 

Burrowing close so that he was laying almost half over Hakyeon, Sanghyuk hid his face. ‘In his room. He won’t come out. Hasn’t since -’ He didn’t finish, but Hakyeon knew. He stroked the maknae’s hair. ‘Hakyeon, aein -’ Hakyeon blinked; it was the first time either of them had called him anything other than his name. It felt beautiful, in Hyuk’s voice. It felt right. “you have to do something. We … don’t work unless it’s all of us.’

‘I know,’ said Hakyeon softly. ‘I don’t want this to end, either. But, monster … I’m starting to be afraid he does.’

Sanghyuk rose above him, looked down incredulously. ‘You’re as bad as each other!’ His tone was tightly controlled, but there was so much frustration in it that it sounded, to Hakyeon, as loud as a scream. ‘He won’t talk, you won’t talk … and ...‘ He sagged. ‘And I’m trying. I’m trying to hold us together, but you both make it so hard.’ His head dropped onto Hakyeon’s chest, and barely above a whisper, said brokenly, ‘I thought I could be strong enough, but _god_ …. you’re both doing it, you’re tearing me apart’. He drew in a shaky breath.

Hakyeon, felt tears on his skin, and his arms tightened in shock. His monster, his source of strength, who from the beginning had no fear and no hesitation, hiding his own pain, even now trying to cry silently. ‘Sanghyuk,’ he said helplessly. ‘ _Sanghyuk_.’ He cradled the maknae, rubbed his back, kissed his hair. ‘I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.’ _He’s been there every time I needed him_ , they had all come together so perfectly, until it was unthinkable that it could ever be any other way. And Hakyeon had felt it, shown it in every way possible. _But you never said it_ , cold voice in his mind, and even now, he wanted to push that away, tell himself that wasn’t what mattered. Still afraid, even in the face of everything he’d felt. Still believing that it would all disappear.

Slowly, Sanghyuk calmed, although Hakyeon could still feel a slight tremor through his muscles. ‘I’m sorry,’ he repeated uselessly. ‘I never meant … I’ve caused you such pain.’

Sanghyuk sniffed. ‘Yeah. You have.’ Hakyeon was taken aback. _Accept it_. ‘But so has he. _Fix this_ , Hakyeon. You’re the only one who can.’

‘I will,’ Hakyeon promised. ‘Somehow. I … just wish I knew what was going on in his head.’ Sanghyuk lifted his head, reddened, swollen eyes wide with disbelief.

‘You really don’t know.’

‘Tell me,’ pleaded Hakyeon, 

The maknae just shook his head. ‘I can’t. He knew I tried. He was so angry. You need to hear it from him.’

‘How can I, when he won’t even talk to me?’ said Hakyeon despairingly.

‘ _Find a way_.’ And in the face of that fierce command, Hakyeon could do nothing but try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick translation note: _aein_ is used to mean lover, boyfriend/girlfriend, sweetheart. In this context, Sanghyuk calls Hakyeon, 'lover'.
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for reading, as always. This labour of love is drawing to its end, but Part 3, _My Stolen Heart, My Crooked Fate_ \- Hongbin's story, will commence very soon. It's a darker tale, but as Hakyeon says, 'Trust'.
> 
> I hope you'll come along for the ride, love to see you there!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Washing up after the evening meal, Hakyeon stood close to Sanghyuk. Under the cover of clashing dishes and conversation, he spoke directly into his ear. ‘I’m going to Hongbin's room,’ he said. ‘Don’t tell him. Just make him come with you.’_
> 
> _The maknae risked a brief glance. Fear and hope warred in his voice as he whispered,’ Do you really think -?’_
> 
> _‘I think it might be the only way,’ replied Hakyeon._
> 
> _‘What if he won’t ?’_
> 
> _‘Then make him, if you have to.’ Though he spoke with confidence, Hakyeon hovered on the edge of panic. He really had no way of knowing if his half-formed idea would accomplish anything. At worst, it could backfire horribly._ Trust _, he told himself with a wry twist of his mouth. So quick to ask that of others, but so easy to make excuses and rationalisations for his own fears. _Trust. Make this right_. He slipped away from the group, let himself into Hongbin’s room. Waited._

In the morning, there was no time for anything but rushing to get everyone ready for the taping. Preoccupied with a thousand small details, Hakyeon had very little time for anything else. _Make time_ , he told himself when he saw Sanghyuk with his arm around Hongbin. It almost looked as though the maknae was holding him up. Everyone was filing out of the front door, only Wonsik slow to catch up. Hakyeon caught a taste of fear from him, clear, easy to read. On impulse, he reached out and caught the composer’s arm. What he said next wasn’t planned, wasn’t even really thought about. He just knew he couldn’t bear it if that fear poisoned what he could feel growing between those two.

‘Did you never wonder,’ asked Hakyeon softly, ‘where I was at night?’ ( _Where I used to be, where I should still be_ , and how that hurt.) Wonsik only stared back at him, his fear rapidly giving way to puzzlement. ‘I told you to trust, and now I’m asking for yours.’ 

Having already said far more than he meant to, Hakyeon felt a wave of recklessness sweep over him. ‘It started during _Fantasy_. Sanghyuk, and Hongbin … and I, we became close. More than close.’ He waited for some reaction from Wonsik, an exclamation, a noise that would say stop talking, but there was only listening silence. ‘Jaehwan, it’s different, he’s just sweet, but - _those two_ -’ He let out his breath in an unguarded rush, aware he was flushing. 

Part of him marvelled at how easily the words left his lips. _How can I come so close to telling him, but not them … not even when I’m losing them_? Wonsik had covered his face with his hands; Hakyeon reached up and tugged them down, held them in his own. In the back of his mind, he could hear an echo of Sanghyuk ( _fix this_ ), and he still didn’t know how, but perhaps Wonsik could be spared.

‘Do you understand what I’m saying to you?’ Hakyeon asked, low and urgent. He rubbed his thumbs in soothing circles over the back of Wonsik’s hands. ‘ _It’s all right_. I understand you have to be discreet, but not with us. Never with us. I love - _we_ love you both.’ His voice nearly breaking, Hakyeon finished, ‘Love each other. Please.’

Wonsik, crying now, gulped, ‘Was it the music?’

 _Yes. No_. ‘Perhaps at first,’ said Hakyeon. ‘Every new song takes us all differently. You - and Hongbin - feel it more than I. Taekwoon, most of all. But,’ he paused, closing his eyes, only now coming to the full realisation himself, ‘it doesn’t make us something we are not. I think it makes us more ourselves.’ _It let me feel, and I should have trusted_. He dropped his voice to a whisper. ‘Thank you.’

And then Taekwoon was there, pushing between them, frightened, grabbing hold of Wonsik. Hakyeon, mind whirling, couldn’t hear what was said, but he felt the moment when Wonsik burst through his own fear and kissed the vocalist. 

‘About time,’ said Hongbin from the doorway. 

Startled, Hakyeon’s gaze flew to him. Hongbin’s tone had given away nothing, but he had his arms crossed over his stomach, and for the first time in days, he met Hakyeon’s eyes. The connection was instant, so strong that Hakyeon staggered back against the wall. Pain, white-hot, but entangled with so much love that it felt like Hongbin was only holding himself together through sheer force of will. Hakyeon, looking at the wreck of a man he loved, felt tears rise in his throat.

‘Hongbin -’ he choked.

‘Did you mean it?’ Hongbin’s mouth trembled, but he bit down. ‘ _Did you_?’ He didn’t wait for an answer, flung himself around, and Hakyeon heard his feet stumbling away. All he could think was, _I’m out of time, I’m out of time_ , but Wonsik and Taekwoon were pushing past him, and he had no choice but to follow. He was the leader, after all. He’d never wanted so badly to be something else.

Stepping onto the stage brought a kind of relief, as it always did. It focused Hakyeon, made everything else drop away. He didn’t have to think about what came next or where to look for a camera; it came to him easily, flowed through him. As he danced, he moved through a web of connections, never so clear before. All of them, linked by the music and the deep parts of themselves, by the years they’d spent together, by too many other things to count. The bond between Taekwoon and Wonsik, growing steadily, but with a glimmer of darkness Hakyeon couldn’t yet understand. Jaehwan, surrounded by a cloud of threads as thin as gossamer. Hakyeon was nearly jolted out of the dance altogether as he felt Hongbin, every connection frayed, but the love, oh the love was there. And then another blow, Sanghyuk, tying himself to Hongbin and Hakyeon more strongly with every breath, appealing mutely to them because his heart was breaking. 

It was overwhelming. It was everything he’d been chasing, all his life. 

He was alone on the stage, standing in water, set to film his solo dance. The steps were firmly fixed in his mind, his muscles already shifting into position. It was only a short piece, barely a few moves, but that didn’t matter. Nothing mattered to Hakyeon more than the dance, until he caught movement out of the corner of his eye from where the others were gathered. Hongbin was half-turned away, hiding his face. Beside him, Sanghyuk, rubbing his back, looked up at Hakyeon, a clear plea for help. As the music started, Hakyeon held his gaze as long as he could, reaching for him, trying to say without words, _hold on, just for a little longer_. 

Washing up after the evening meal, Hakyeon stood close to Sanghyuk. Under the cover of clashing dishes and conversation, he spoke directly into his ear. ‘I’m going to his room,’ he said. ‘Don’t tell him. Just make him come with you.’

The maknae risked a brief glance. Fear and hope warred in his voice as he whispered,’ Do you really think -?’

‘I think it might be the only way,’ replied Hakyeon. 

‘What if he won’t ?’

‘Then make him, if you have to.’ Though he spoke with confidence, Hakyeon hovered on the edge of panic. He really had no way of knowing if his half-formed idea would accomplish anything. At worst, it could backfire horribly. _Trust_ , he told himself with a wry twist of his mouth. So quick to ask that of others, but so easy to make excuses and rationalisations for his own fears. _Trust. Make this right_. He slipped away from the group, let himself into Hongbin’s room. Waited.

There was a commotion in the hall. Hakyeon braced himself, but couldn’t help but flinch as the door flew open and Sanghyuk practically carried Hongbin into the room. Just as Hongbin wrenched himself free, Sanghyuk lunged for the door, shut it and leaned against it.

‘What the hell -’ Hongbin stopped as his eyes fell on Hakyeon. Turning on his heel, he advanced on Sanghyuk. ‘You bastard. Get out of my way.’

‘Sorry, Bean,’ replied the maknae, and Hakyeon could hear the slight tremble in his voice. ‘Can’t do that.’

‘Move.’

Very softly, Hakyeon said, ‘Fiend …’

Whirling on him, Hongbin hissed through clenched teeth. ‘ _Don’t_. Don’t fucking call me that.’

Hakyeon flinched, tried to catch his breath. It was too much, pouring off Hongbin, the trapped desperation of a cornered animal, threatening to drown him, drown them both. _I can’t, I can’t, stop_. He forced himself to move. It was like pushing against a strong tide, but he took another step, and another. He reached out and caught Hongbin around the waist, wrapped his arms around him. Hongbin immediately struggled, but Hakyeon hung on with all his strength. Then Sanghyuk was there, holding Hongbin from behind, locking his hands around them both.

‘Let me go,’ panted Hongbin. Sanghyuk dropped his forehead against Hongbin’s back, breathing _no_. ‘Let me _go_!’ 

‘WIll you just shut up and listen?’ growled Sanghyuk, anger spiking in his voice.

Hakyeon tightened his grip, looked directly up into Hongbin’s face. _How do I reach him_? And it was suddenly so simple, and it terrified him. Steeling himself, Hakyeon said, ‘I love you, fiend’. 

Hongbin went completely still, arms dropped to his sides. _No. Oh, no_. Staring past Hakyeon, he said in a curiously flat voice, ‘That’s low.’

‘Hongbin -’

It was as though Hongbin hadn’t heard. ‘You love _Jaehwan_.’

For a long moment Hakyeon couldn’t process anything - and then it hit him. ‘Is _that_ what you thought? All this time?’

‘I heard you say it. I get it. It’s - if that’s what you want, if he’ll make you happy, I’ll figure it out I’ll deal ...’ and Hakyeon could hear the lie, the stupid, sacrificial denial. ‘It’s just - you could have said something. Told us to our faces.’ The flatness was bleeding out of Hongbin’s voice.

Hakyeon said hopelessly, ‘Oh, fiend. You really thought … he’s, he’s a sweet man, and I indulged him, I -’ _I indulged myself_. And it had been so easy.

‘And you love him.’

‘ _No_!’ Hakyeon yelled. ‘Not like that. Not like I love you. _Both_ of you. He’s a friend, he’s dear to me. But you - you’re just -’ The old fear stealing into him, trying to choke off his voice, ( _not this time_ ), he pushed through. ‘You are breath to me,’ and he felt the pressure of tears behind his eyes, in his throat. ‘You are blood. You are part of me. Deeper than skin, deeper than bone.’ Grabbing at both of them, pulling Sanghyuk around so he could look into both their faces. ‘Do you understand? You are my _life_.’ 

Sanghyuk, arms round them both, holding himself up, crying. ‘I told you, Bean. I _told_ you.’

Hongbin pulled his breath in sharply, a raw, somehow flayed sound. Looked into Hakyeon’s face. ‘You never said. Never.’

That silenced Hakyeon; there was no running from it. He’d taken so much for granted, been so enchanted with his ability to simply feel everyone around him. Had been so sure of himself, of them, and all the time he’d been using it as an excuse. Unable to keep his own tears back, he said, slowly, ‘I’ve been such a fool. A stupid, frightened fool. I was - I could feel you both, almost from the start, and I told myself you would just know, that I never needed to say it. Because if I ever did, it would be the end. You’d push me away. You’d disappear.’

‘Why would you think that?’ asked Sanghyuk, bewildered.

Hakyeon hung his head. ‘Because you always pushed me away. You all did.’

‘What were we supposed to do?’ said Sanghyuk. ‘You were our leader. That was made clear to us right from the start. And then, you just weren’t what we expected. We … I had no idea how to even start to get close.’

At a complete loss, Hakyeon asked, ‘You wanted to?’

Hongbin uttered a short, mirthless laugh. ‘Oh God, Hakyeon, how blind were you? I thought it was written all over my face, all the time. I was scared to death everyone knew.’

Nervous laughter at his stupid, exaggerated compliments. Ducking away from his hands, blushing. The irritated glances, protests, complaints. Hakyeon understood that. He’d lived with it for so many years. But then … unbidden, a memory, the two of them on the floor of a dance studio, Hongbin breaking apart in his arms. Wiping away his tears, telling himself he didn’t see what he now realised had always been there.

‘What changed?’ he said.

Sanghyuk hesitated. ‘It’s going to sound crazy.’ He let out a long breath. ‘When we sang together. That first time we heard _Fantasy_? I … felt something.’ He shook his head. ‘Like I said, crazy.’

Hakyeon and Hongbin spoke together. ‘No.’ ‘It’s not. I felt it, too.’

‘So what does it mean? Are we, I don’t know, changed now?’ asked Sanghyuk. 

Hakyeon was still trying to formulate an answer when Hongbin, unexpectedly, said, ‘It’s what you said to Wonsik, isn’t it?’ His chest was hitching; he was struggling for breath. ‘It makes us more ourselves.’ He was shaking. They reached for him at the same moment; Hakyeon laid his hand along Hongbin’s face, while Sanghyuk twined his fingers in his hair. Closing his eyes, Hongbin leaned into their caresses, and the tears spilled over. He grabbed for them, kissed first Hakyeon, then Sanghyuk.

When he came up for air, Sanghyuk sniffed loudly. Oh no, this is ridiculous,’ he said. ‘We’re a mess.’ He gave Hakyeon a sidelong glance, and the dancer read mischief there. ‘Hey, Bean?’ he said.

Automatically, Hongbin responded, ‘Don’t call me - wait!’ Sanghyuk stooped, swept Hongbin up as though he weighed absolutely nothing. He grinned, then unceremoniously dumped Hongbin onto the bed. In a flash, Hakyeon was on him, straddling him. Smiling down into his face, Hakyeon said, ‘Hello, fiend.’

Winded, Hongbin could only gasp, ‘Hey … hey …’

Sanghyuk lay beside them. ‘Revenge is sweet.’ He kissed Hongbin, running his hand along Hakyeon’s side. Hakyeon leaned in and ran his open mouth and tongue over Hongbin’s neck, carding his fingers through Sanghyuk’s hair. Blindly, Hongbin put out his hands, found Sanghyuk’s face, Hakyeon’s arm. 

Hakyeon pulled back, sat up, keeping his hands on them. He looked down, saw Hongbin open his eyes. They were winding through him, dark warmth and bright strength, love free from pain, love without fear, ( _trust_ ), and the last barrier was gone. Hakyeon arched, threw back his head; he was light, he was water, and he flowed into them. He heard Sanghyuk’s gasp, and Hongbin’s strangled cry. His name, in their voices, harmony, and his hands were captured. He was complete.

‘My loves,’ he breathed. ‘Oh, my loves.’ Unable to hold himself up, he fell forward, and they caught him, kissed him, carried him home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've arrived at last! 
> 
> I hope you've enjoyed this story. We have one more to go in the series - Hongbin's story, titled _My Stolen Heart, My Crooked Fate_ \- which I'll start posting in a couple of days.
> 
> Thank you for reading, and please let me know if you liked this story. 
> 
> Lyric credits are from colorcodedlyrics.com.
> 
> As always, oceans of love to my brilliant friend Kat, who's the best beta and a really fun writing partner. 
> 
> See you next time!


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